I get up another morning facing another day of sitting at home. Fighting discouragement for a short while as everyone gets ready to go to church to hear Ashley speak. It tries to creep in that I sit at home while everyone goes to do everything. Satan wants me to feel left out, discouraged. He does that to me ever so often. Luring me to feel down, sorry for myself, which leads to doubting and to focus on all I can't do, focus on self, all I'm missing, all I long to do. I have been teetering here for a few days.
Last Wed. I made the choice to go to Lowe's to look at cabinets and floors to replace where we had the flood in Nov. The concrete and 1/2 old vinyl tile~1/2 wood floor really doesn't bother me too much, but I was having a few "good" days, so I thought I'd tackle it. It tacked me. Thursday was a completely horrid day. Horrid. Worse than a very long time. Not just physically....and it was indeed horrid physically...but emotionally and spiritually as well. At the end of the day, I collapsed in the floor, sobbing, and said, "I just want to live through this." Right that second, I wasn't sure if I could. No strength to go on; to fight.
But God in His goodness whispers to me.
He holds me. He reminds me. He provides for me. He encourages me. He is my strength. If I am focused on Him, not myself; His promises and His character, not how things look; then I have every reason to be thankful, to praise Him. If I look to myself or to anything else, it is hopeless, and at that point, I probably can't live through it! But, I serve a God who shows me the good, who gives me glimpses of Himself and what He is doing, who whispers to me in the dark places just how much He loves me,
who died for me! That alone makes Him worthy of my praise no matter how dark the battle may seem.
But, guess what! Just because the battle is dark, doesn't mean I have to live in the dark. "My eyes are continually toward the Lord, For He will pluck my feet out of the net." (Psalm 25:15) and He promises that His grace is sufficient for me...and you! He is fighting for us!
As I focus on Him, this stops being a season of asking or wondering why. It becomes a season of asking Him to show me Himself. To show me "great and mighty things which I do not know." Does that make every day easy? No. And, some days are down right hard. But, it makes every day worth living for, every day worthy of praising Him, every day worthy of giving thanks, because when I focus on knowing Him, everything else dims. My losses, my needs, my desires are in His hands...trustworthy, capable, loving hands. And, guess what! I am inscirbed there. (Isaiah 49:16)
A trial is called a trial because it's HARD. I know there will be more. More to test and strengthen my faith, but I can face them knowing that He is all powerful, He loves me, He works for my good, and He will not leave me. There is much to praise and thank Him for even at our lowest points. Even when we don't know how we will live through it.
This morning I posted an article on my facebook page about suffering, and this is a quote from it~
"Suffering
often gives us the drive we need to press into God to help us get
through the ordeal. It causes us to press into Him and in the process we
can soar with Him above the storms of life. Instead of being upset or
angry at God, ask Him what He’s trying to teach you or work out of you."
In His kindness, the Lord gave me a glimpse last week of how he has wiped our slate clean in many places and that He is going to build something new. He even gave us an almost hint at what it pertains to. :) Almost. Just a wee bit. That really was kind. It was encouragement, it was hope, it was confirmation (and MORE!) of what we have believed and hoped for all along. We have no clue really what it will be, what it will take to get there, and how far away that is, but it is another thing to thank and praise Him for.
Quite honestly, my flesh and my emotions are tired of this battle. If I begin to wonder how much longer it will go on, I become defeated. I can't fathom another year of this. But, God in His mercy will carry me through as I praise Him for all He is and all He does, and as my focus stays on being conformed to His image instead of my own wants...no matter how long it takes.
What else can I praise and thank Him for?
~most Lyme sufferers have much pain. I've had only a little at times
~now being Lyme free and the hope of complete healing
~God set into motion long before for James to be at home working and he can take care of me and the girls.
~James...working to do it all for us, and doing so alone. His unending support and encouragement.
~Ashley, who has been home part of this time and been able to give James some breaks in cooking at times. Who has been here to be a friend, to talk about nothing, to share her heart, and to just hang out with sometimes. Who has taken her sisters clothes shopping every season (except she couldn't rescue James from swimsuit shopping! ;) )
~Briana, who lets me text her and say, "I'm getting in the shower", and who replies, "I'm praying!!", because she knows how exhausted it can make me. She texts and we chat and she keeps me company and cheers me. Who (along with her sweet husband) comes to visit me and give me extra hugs. Oh, let's not forget, who lets me email and text pictures of kitchen cabinets and floors, and whine, "I don't know!!!", then gives me her feedback.
~Marissa and Daniella~ hugs, smiles, laughs, bringing me things when I can't get up to get them or just to help me conserve energy, helping with housework, playing games with me, chatting, joy!
~Sunshine
~a God-given, God-favored trip to Disney and the beach that I could never have fathomed
~insurance to pay for a new kitchen I've wanted for years...even if I can't figure out what I want!
~online friends, especially when I can't be out and feel alone
~a piece of dark chocolate every day!
~homeschooling and flexibility
And, many, many more....
Isn't God good to work in our hearts through unlikely ways? He took my pain from 2 posts before this one, and has stirred the hearts of different people in different ways. I have had several people message me and say that they,too, are suffering from long term illness that they haven't shared with others in the past. A couple of those took that post as courage to share their hidden pain with their friends or just with me personally. I have had a few people say that God has stirred their hearts to pay more attention to the people around them. I am one of those people, too. I have had one say they see that they need to take better care of themselves because they are headed down the same road I am on if they don't. I pray for all of us that our hearts stay stirred in obedience to whatever He has called us to individually in response. For me, personally, one response has been to begin to not only pay attention to the people God puts before me, but to ask people and to be diligent to pray for them for an extended period of time; not just in the few min. or few days when they first express a need.
So many people are hurting and need our care and help. As Christians it is not only an obedient response, but also a privilege and a blessing to give the help God nudges us to give. But, we must listen. If we don't listen, if we don't have ears to hear, if we don't heed that whisper, then we cannot love others they way He would have us to.
Hebrews 6: 9 But, beloved, we are convinced of better things concerning you, and things that accompany salvation, though we are speaking in this way. 10 For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints. 11 And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, 12 so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
Think it's a coincidence that today I picked a book back up after a week or two, and this was God's Word today? If you are suffering, especially from a long term illness, listen! God wants someone to hear this.
Commentary on Luke 8:40-56
"For both Jairus and the woman in the crowd Jesus was literally their last hope. Who else could heal from the throes of death? And who else could cure what countless doctors had failed to cure, especially with out pay? Jesus was their only hope.
.....Don't you think it's interesting that the woman suffered her infirmity for the same length of time that Jairus' child had been alive? Ask anyone who has suffered with a chronic ailment how much focus it commands, and she'll tell you she struggles to focus on anything else. Ask any set of parents how much they focus on their one and only child, and they'll likely tell you the same thing. Have you struggled for a long time with some difficulty? I absolutely do not want to minimize your suffering when I tell you that Jesus specializes in the long term and the hopeless.
We read in verse 42 that the crowd pressed so closely to Jesus they were almost crushing Him. Yet a woman behind Him touched only the edge of His cloak, and He discerned the difference. Please keep in mind, she never even touched His skin. Amazing! Notice that when Christ asked, "Who touched me?" they all denied it. .....Did they not realize He wanted few things more than for them to reach out to Him?
When the woman realized that she "could not go unnoticed, " she "came trembling and fell at his feet" (v.47). Beloved, no one goes unnoticed by Christ, least of all, a person acting on faith. I love the fact that the woman came trembling, even though she had exercised enough faith to draw forth the healing power of Jesus. It's good to know that the faithful still come trembling. In fact, their reverence is a critical part of their faith. The truly believing will most certainly also be the bowing.
.....Verse 42 tells us Jesus was on His way to heal the dying child when the woman in the crowd touched the edge of His cloak. Christ Himself described what happened: "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me" (v.46). The primary point I want to make is that Christ released enough power to heal a woman of a twelve-year hemorrhage but still had plenty to raise Jairus's daughter from the dead! Let that sink in! I know you know it with your head but I want you to receive it in your heart. Christ's power supply is limitless.
......Does he seem to be on His way to another need, one that you perceive may be more important than yours? More a matter of life and death? No problem! Reach out and grab that hem! You are not going unnoticed--not even if He's on His way to raise the dead!
...Think of people who you recognize as being at their last hope. Now beloved, what is your greatest need, the deepest desire of your heart? Don't tell me how trivial they seem in comparison! Consider your list carefully. Now I want you to say out loud: "Jesus, You have enough power."
Oh, friend, would you dare to believe that He is completely able? If He doesn't grant you what you ask in faith, it is never because He lacks the power. I believe it's because He wants to release an all-surpassing power and reveal an even greater glory through another answer. Will we laugh at the thought like the foolish mourners outside Jairus's home? Or will we be invited into the house to behold a miracle?" (Jesus, The One and Only by Beth Moore)
Thank you to those who emailed me after my last blog entry to encourage me and tell me you were praying for me. Almost everyone who contacted me didn't realize I was sick for differing reasons. It's really hard to know what the balance is in sharing with people. As I said before, my name has been on the church prayer list since the end of July, and some others know, but I'm not sure they comprehend the severity. I shared it in a note on facebook back in Aug, and have alluded to it here and there, but I have failed I suppose...as far as facebook world goes...to let people know how things really are. The balance I struggle with is knowing how much to say how often. With a long term condition, it could get really old, really fast. I do not want to be one of those people who is constantly complaining about their ailments (You know who I'm talking about!). Yet, I do want to share with my friends and let them know what is going on.
Besides, in spite of having a long term condition and it keeping me from participating in life outside these walls too often the last 6 months, and in spite of the loneliness which creeps up on me on occasion like it did last week, I do have LIFE. Some days it doesn't feel like the life I want, but most days it has joy, laughter, and love. I found a quote the day after I posted that last blog entry that says, "The smile on my face doesn't mean my life is perfect. It means I appreciate what I have and what God has blessed me with." That's what I want to be about. Even when life is hard, I can focus on what God has blessed me with and the hope I have in Him! So, I can post silly statuses, funny things my children have said, pictures of the memories being made, and Scripture, and I will still be authentic. Because those things are real in my life. Very real. They bring joy in the midst of trials. I try very hard not to let the trial...however long...define me. So, how to find the balance is the issue for me. How to let people know that, yes, life is hard right now, but yes, life is also blessed in spite of that. How to let people know that we have needs without becoming a burden.
I know the 7 or so people who contacted me...and perhaps more...prayed for me. I know my children and husband were praying for me. I felt it, and Sunday morning, although my body was still so fatigued I could not sit up, my Spirit was lighter and at peace. Nothing had changed, except a handful of you were praying and you let me know that. The Lord hears our prayers, and sometimes we just need to know that people do care. Gradually through the day Sun. and since then, I have gained a little strength back....at least enough strength to be able to sit for longer periods of time, to be able to get my own lunch out, to put one load of clothes in the washer....not all at the same time. I can do a thing or 2, then sit another hour or 2. To not have to spend the entire day lying down. So, even though my spirit is better, nothing has changed. We still need prayers, we still need help, I still need my health restored.
I am planning to go to a Nutrional Wellness Clinic as soon as I can get an appointment. They are only open Wed.-Fri. Although, my condition is not specifically nutritionally related, the thought is that with good Whole Food supplements (because we can never get what our bodies need in our current food supply) and diet (You will hear me screaming when I have to give up pasta!) that the body can then be healthy enough to heal itself. I am not sure if this is what I need, but I know it can't hurt, and nothing else is working. I will just need prayers for discipline! My diet is not too awful in the sense that most of our food is homemade, we seldom eat out, I seldom drink soft drinks and never coffee or alcohol, etc., but it is also not perfect.
~Please continue to pray for me.
~Please continue to pray for James~ for his strength to keep up with all that is on his plate right now, for help for him in meals or other needs if God wants to provide that through others, for his ministry and writing..that it would not be neglected because he is caring for the home and my needs and that he wouldn't be distracted by the enemy, for God to show us how He wants to provide monetarily for this ministry (and, therefore, our family) and that others would give as He lays it on their hearts, and pray for his own health issues.
~Please pray for the provision to go to this clinic. As we prayed for God to provide the money if He wanted me to go there, someone graciously, anonymously, sent money this weekend that was almost the exact amount of the initial visit. Our hope is that any supplements they want to put me on will replace at least some of the many, many supplements I am already taking, which are a couple of hundred dollars a month. It will also require an unknown amount of follow up visits.
If you are not aware of what is going on and want to know, please feel free to ask...the short answer is Adrenal Fatigue, which sometimes borders on Adrenal Exhaustion (which leaves people completely bedridden). There are numerous symptoms that go along with it.
Thanks again, and love to you all.
