Saturday, December 14, 2013

Feeling Shattered

Yesterday afternoon and last night I felt shattered. You see, I knew I had felt like I was going slowly, steadily downhill the last 3 or 4 weeks. I knew I was getting more tired again and weaker, stressed easily, more teary. However, what I didn't expect was to go in yesterday and hear, "You're testing for a Lyme related bacteria again." At that moment, my hope and world shattered. 

It shattered for my children. It shattered for my husband. It shattered for me. 

In the Lyme world, this is not abnormal. Lyme is a nasty bacteria, that releases other bacteria into the body. All of this bacteria goes into the blood stream, the brain, organs, and eventually (after a just a few weeks) buries itself, hidden, in the blood cells. Antibiotics cannot reach the bacteria in the blood cells, so no one is ever truly healed of the Lyme. (If it's not caught in the first few weeks.) It's always there, and many people suffer forever, or it pops up at stressful times of life. The method of treatment we have chosen has been shown to do that...actually kill the Lyme for good, even in the blood cells. 

So, when it showed up yesterday after a year, everything just crashed for me. God has been so amazingly wonderful to me, filled me with His grace, given me more patience, contentment, peace, hope, and abundance than I could have ever imagined. But, let's face it. I want out of this prison. I want to be well. I want to be well for my family. So much my heart wants to explode for them at times.

Physically, it wasn't the best for me (even in the wheelchair), but emotionally, I had already needed to get out and had already been thinking of going to the mall after my appointment, so we did. And, physically, it has had it's consequences, but emotionally, it was wonderful to be out in the stores. I was able to forget about Lyme Disease for a short time and enjoy the shoppers and Christmas music, and just seeing people. 

And, then it was quiet. And, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like I was starting over. I felt like the things I had so desperately hoped and prayed for for 2014 were lost. Things that I have a whole lot of emotion riding on. I felt like this will never end. 

And my husband held me and let me sob. Then he told me how he had been back on the computer while I was getting ready for bed, and reading report after report that this treatment got rid of chronic Lyme in people. That they had gone for several years, still with no signs of the Lyme returning. We talked again, and I tried to soak it in, how this may not be Lyme returning at all, but that, even though it has been a year since I tested Lyme free, it may very well be one of the other bacteria that has been lurking and waiting. That this could actually be a good thing. That God has brought this bacteria now to the surface for it to be killed, too. 

I went to bed, thinking, but not convinced of that. Still raw. Still devastated, but with a sliver of hope. 

Then. I thanked God. He reminded me. I don't feel one bit thankful for this sickness, but I remembered that I can BE thankful. I can be thankful that we found it quickly, as James reminded me. Thankful that it hasn't had time to do any real damage. And, that's how I went to sleep. With some peace as I chose to thank God for those 2 things. 

Today, I hold on to all of these things. Thankful (and actually feeling it a little) for finding it early. Hopeful that this treatment is where God led me and has the history of eradicating the bacteria completely. Thankful that I have a God, Healer, Savior who knows my heart's cry and listens, and who gives me strength to keep waiting and trusting.

I don't feel strong this morning, but I don't feel shattered, either. I feel Him putting the pieces back together. I know He will return my joy as I put my hope in Him, not in tests and treatments. 

Last Saturday night...a week ago today...I was getting ready for bed (for bedtime is always when the emotions get so strong, right?), and I was crying out to the Lord, asking Him to show me something. It has been almost a year since I heard Him say anything specific to me about my healing, and though I still cling to those words, the weariness I felt these last 3 or 4 weeks had me needing to hear from Him. Honestly, I don't know if I expected it. Sunday morning, James came in from church to find me lying on the couch, where I had been all morning, too weak and tired to listen to and comprehend a sermon; discouraged. He, not knowing about my prayers the previous night, told me that Jerry, a sweet older man in the church, had come up to him before the service. He told James, "I'm praying for your wife. You know I've told you that before; that I pray for her." He went on to say that he had been praying for me that morning, getting ready for church, and that he "had a word from the Lord. She is going to be healed, and it's not going to be long. I don't know a time, but it's not long."

I have nothing to believe but that God answered my cry, and sent His word to me through what seems an unlikely place. It was not anything that *I* heard through prayer or the Word, so that I could worry that I had just heard what I wanted. (God knows our minds!!) It was through soft spoken, humble, elderly man whom I know only a little. I don't believe the timing was a coincidence either, so as I felt shattered last night, as I'm being put back together today, I hold on to what God has spoken, and trust that He is going to heal just as He has spoken. 

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Put us on your church or Bible study prayer lists. The enemy has been coming on strong for most of this year, but through our prayer, he will...already is....defeated.  My heart aches for all that I have hoped for this next year, but He is good, and my aching heart trusts in that alone.