Y'all....yesterday I was ready to quit.
It was a hard, hard day, and I was so very sick. That was actually day 3 of being too sick to function, but it had gotten increasingly worse each day. I knew yesterday that this was just the beginning, and I honestly didn't know how I was going to take one more breath this way.
After cutting the new treatment down for the trip to 9 drops 3 times per day, I had started increasing them by one drop (3 times per day) last Wed. night. When I got to 13 drops, it turned ugly. I stayed at 13 the next day, and even though it was very hard, I went to 14 yesterday. The fatigue so strong and difficult that you really aren't sure you're going to live. (I am not exaggerating.) Weak. Nausea all day long. Severe back pain when I moved. Nerves frayed. Nerve endings in my back so frayed that it feels like it will send you over the edge for a shirt to even touch it. Off and on stabbing pain in my throat. Feeling of constant heartburn in my chest (though it wasn't really heartburn). Heart pounding. Already major sensory issues turned up a notch. All of this caused by 2 things~ Toxins released into my body from Lyme die-off and viruses being activated by the treatment.
In the midst of this yesterday, I read this~
What are you growing impatient to see? Are you ready to give up? If it’s something worth waiting for, please hang on.
Don’t try a short cut. Don’t abandon hope. But rather submit your plans
to God, and ask for more of His Spirit in your life to endure the wait.
I’m pretty sure it will be worth it in the end.
- Glynnis Whitwer
I knew that was for me. It didn't make me stop wanting to quit. But, I kept praying through it. I praised. I had a chiropractor appointment yesterday, and that helped, since it helps detox and usually helps my fatigue short term. I have also increased several supplements when these attacks hit, and they do help some, but on a day like yesterday, it was not very noticeable. I had a lull last night, and felt much better (relatively speaking), but I still didn't feel like I could take an increase. So, today I stayed at the 14 drops and the morning was much better. I just took my second dose of the day, and I feel more symptoms creeping in, but I'm going to fight. This break today is a gift from God, and it's enough that it gives me the courage and strength to increase to 15 tonight or tomorrow. To fight another day. To keep waiting and trusting what He is doing.
Much of the sickness means it's dying. We believe it is now dying faster than it's reproducing. We pray that it's doing the job the research says it does and is killing everything bacterial in every hidden place.
Please pray that I have strength and courage to keep facing this even when it grows so intense. That I won't quit. The higher dose I can handle, the better the chances, and the shorter the time. God has brought me here, and I plan to faithfully follow what He has laid out for me. Pray for God's mercy in the symptoms and continued breaks that give time to breathe and renewed strength. Pray for my children and husband as they stand by me every day. Pray that we will soon see His blessed healing and glory to Him!
Yesterday afternoon and last night I felt shattered. You see, I knew I had felt like I was going slowly, steadily downhill the last 3 or 4 weeks. I knew I was getting more tired again and weaker, stressed easily, more teary. However, what I didn't expect was to go in yesterday and hear, "You're testing for a Lyme related bacteria again." At that moment, my hope and world shattered.
It shattered for my children. It shattered for my husband. It shattered for me.
In the Lyme world, this is not abnormal. Lyme is a nasty bacteria, that releases other bacteria into the body. All of this bacteria goes into the blood stream, the brain, organs, and eventually (after a just a few weeks) buries itself, hidden, in the blood cells. Antibiotics cannot reach the bacteria in the blood cells, so no one is ever truly healed of the Lyme. (If it's not caught in the first few weeks.) It's always there, and many people suffer forever, or it pops up at stressful times of life. The method of treatment we have chosen has been shown to do that...actually kill the Lyme for good, even in the blood cells.
So, when it showed up yesterday after a year, everything just crashed for me. God has been so amazingly wonderful to me, filled me with His grace, given me more patience, contentment, peace, hope, and abundance than I could have ever imagined. But, let's face it. I want out of this prison. I want to be well. I want to be well for my family. So much my heart wants to explode for them at times.
Physically, it wasn't the best for me (even in the wheelchair), but emotionally, I had already needed to get out and had already been thinking of going to the mall after my appointment, so we did. And, physically, it has had it's consequences, but emotionally, it was wonderful to be out in the stores. I was able to forget about Lyme Disease for a short time and enjoy the shoppers and Christmas music, and just seeing people.
And, then it was quiet. And, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like I was starting over. I felt like the things I had so desperately hoped and prayed for for 2014 were lost. Things that I have a whole lot of emotion riding on. I felt like this will never end.
And my husband held me and let me sob. Then he told me how he had been back on the computer while I was getting ready for bed, and reading report after report that this treatment got rid of chronic Lyme in people. That they had gone for several years, still with no signs of the Lyme returning. We talked again, and I tried to soak it in, how this may not be Lyme returning at all, but that, even though it has been a year since I tested Lyme free, it may very well be one of the other bacteria that has been lurking and waiting. That this could actually be a good thing. That God has brought this bacteria now to the surface for it to be killed, too.
I went to bed, thinking, but not convinced of that. Still raw. Still devastated, but with a sliver of hope.
Then. I thanked God. He reminded me. I don't feel one bit thankful for this sickness, but I remembered that I can BE thankful. I can be thankful that we found it quickly, as James reminded me. Thankful that it hasn't had time to do any real damage. And, that's how I went to sleep. With some peace as I chose to thank God for those 2 things.
Today, I hold on to all of these things. Thankful (and actually feeling it a little) for finding it early. Hopeful that this treatment is where God led me and has the history of eradicating the bacteria completely. Thankful that I have a God, Healer, Savior who knows my heart's cry and listens, and who gives me strength to keep waiting and trusting.
I don't feel strong this morning, but I don't feel shattered, either. I feel Him putting the pieces back together. I know He will return my joy as I put my hope in Him, not in tests and treatments.
Last Saturday night...a week ago today...I was getting ready for bed (for bedtime is always when the emotions get so strong, right?), and I was crying out to the Lord, asking Him to show me something. It has been almost a year since I heard Him say anything specific to me about my healing, and though I still cling to those words, the weariness I felt these last 3 or 4 weeks had me needing to hear from Him. Honestly, I don't know if I expected it. Sunday morning, James came in from church to find me lying on the couch, where I had been all morning, too weak and tired to listen to and comprehend a sermon; discouraged. He, not knowing about my prayers the previous night, told me that Jerry, a sweet older man in the church, had come up to him before the service. He told James, "I'm praying for your wife. You know I've told you that before; that I pray for her." He went on to say that he had been praying for me that morning, getting ready for church, and that he "had a word from the Lord. She is going to be healed, and it's not going to be long. I don't know a time, but it's not long."
I have nothing to believe but that God answered my cry, and sent His word to me through what seems an unlikely place. It was not anything that *I* heard through prayer or the Word, so that I could worry that I had just heard what I wanted. (God knows our minds!!) It was through soft spoken, humble, elderly man whom I know only a little. I don't believe the timing was a coincidence either, so as I felt shattered last night, as I'm being put back together today, I hold on to what God has spoken, and trust that He is going to heal just as He has spoken.
Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Put us on your church or Bible study prayer lists. The enemy has been coming on strong for most of this year, but through our prayer, he will...already is....defeated. My heart aches for all that I have hoped for this next year, but He is good, and my aching heart trusts in that alone.
I get up another morning facing another day of sitting at home. Fighting discouragement for a short while as everyone gets ready to go to church to hear Ashley speak. It tries to creep in that I sit at home while everyone goes to do everything. Satan wants me to feel left out, discouraged. He does that to me ever so often. Luring me to feel down, sorry for myself, which leads to doubting and to focus on all I can't do, focus on self, all I'm missing, all I long to do. I have been teetering here for a few days.
Last Wed. I made the choice to go to Lowe's to look at cabinets and floors to replace where we had the flood in Nov. The concrete and 1/2 old vinyl tile~1/2 wood floor really doesn't bother me too much, but I was having a few "good" days, so I thought I'd tackle it. It tacked me. Thursday was a completely horrid day. Horrid. Worse than a very long time. Not just physically....and it was indeed horrid physically...but emotionally and spiritually as well. At the end of the day, I collapsed in the floor, sobbing, and said, "I just want to live through this." Right that second, I wasn't sure if I could. No strength to go on; to fight.
But God in His goodness whispers to me.
He holds me. He reminds me. He provides for me. He encourages me. He is my strength. If I am focused on Him, not myself; His promises and His character, not how things look; then I have every reason to be thankful, to praise Him. If I look to myself or to anything else, it is hopeless, and at that point, I probably can't live through it! But, I serve a God who shows me the good, who gives me glimpses of Himself and what He is doing, who whispers to me in the dark places just how much He loves me,
who died for me! That alone makes Him worthy of my praise no matter how dark the battle may seem.
But, guess what! Just because the battle is dark, doesn't mean I have to live in the dark. "My eyes are continually toward the Lord, For He will pluck my feet out of the net." (Psalm 25:15) and He promises that His grace is sufficient for me...and you! He is fighting for us!
As I focus on Him, this stops being a season of asking or wondering why. It becomes a season of asking Him to show me Himself. To show me "great and mighty things which I do not know." Does that make every day easy? No. And, some days are down right hard. But, it makes every day worth living for, every day worthy of praising Him, every day worthy of giving thanks, because when I focus on knowing Him, everything else dims. My losses, my needs, my desires are in His hands...trustworthy, capable, loving hands. And, guess what! I am inscirbed there. (Isaiah 49:16)
A trial is called a trial because it's HARD. I know there will be more. More to test and strengthen my faith, but I can face them knowing that He is all powerful, He loves me, He works for my good, and He will not leave me. There is much to praise and thank Him for even at our lowest points. Even when we don't know how we will live through it.
This morning I posted an article on my facebook page about suffering, and this is a quote from it~
"Suffering
often gives us the drive we need to press into God to help us get
through the ordeal. It causes us to press into Him and in the process we
can soar with Him above the storms of life. Instead of being upset or
angry at God, ask Him what He’s trying to teach you or work out of you."
In His kindness, the Lord gave me a glimpse last week of how he has wiped our slate clean in many places and that He is going to build something new. He even gave us an almost hint at what it pertains to. :) Almost. Just a wee bit. That really was kind. It was encouragement, it was hope, it was confirmation (and MORE!) of what we have believed and hoped for all along. We have no clue really what it will be, what it will take to get there, and how far away that is, but it is another thing to thank and praise Him for.
Quite honestly, my flesh and my emotions are tired of this battle. If I begin to wonder how much longer it will go on, I become defeated. I can't fathom another year of this. But, God in His mercy will carry me through as I praise Him for all He is and all He does, and as my focus stays on being conformed to His image instead of my own wants...no matter how long it takes.
What else can I praise and thank Him for?
~most Lyme sufferers have much pain. I've had only a little at times
~now being Lyme free and the hope of complete healing
~God set into motion long before for James to be at home working and he can take care of me and the girls.
~James...working to do it all for us, and doing so alone. His unending support and encouragement.
~Ashley, who has been home part of this time and been able to give James some breaks in cooking at times. Who has been here to be a friend, to talk about nothing, to share her heart, and to just hang out with sometimes. Who has taken her sisters clothes shopping every season (except she couldn't rescue James from swimsuit shopping! ;) )
~Briana, who lets me text her and say, "I'm getting in the shower", and who replies, "I'm praying!!", because she knows how exhausted it can make me. She texts and we chat and she keeps me company and cheers me. Who (along with her sweet husband) comes to visit me and give me extra hugs. Oh, let's not forget, who lets me email and text pictures of kitchen cabinets and floors, and whine, "I don't know!!!", then gives me her feedback.
~Marissa and Daniella~ hugs, smiles, laughs, bringing me things when I can't get up to get them or just to help me conserve energy, helping with housework, playing games with me, chatting, joy!
~Sunshine
~a God-given, God-favored trip to Disney and the beach that I could never have fathomed
~insurance to pay for a new kitchen I've wanted for years...even if I can't figure out what I want!
~online friends, especially when I can't be out and feel alone
~a piece of dark chocolate every day!
~homeschooling and flexibility
And, many, many more....
Isn't God good to work in our hearts through unlikely ways? He took my pain from 2 posts before this one, and has stirred the hearts of different people in different ways. I have had several people message me and say that they,too, are suffering from long term illness that they haven't shared with others in the past. A couple of those took that post as courage to share their hidden pain with their friends or just with me personally. I have had a few people say that God has stirred their hearts to pay more attention to the people around them. I am one of those people, too. I have had one say they see that they need to take better care of themselves because they are headed down the same road I am on if they don't. I pray for all of us that our hearts stay stirred in obedience to whatever He has called us to individually in response. For me, personally, one response has been to begin to not only pay attention to the people God puts before me, but to ask people and to be diligent to pray for them for an extended period of time; not just in the few min. or few days when they first express a need.
So many people are hurting and need our care and help. As Christians it is not only an obedient response, but also a privilege and a blessing to give the help God nudges us to give. But, we must listen. If we don't listen, if we don't have ears to hear, if we don't heed that whisper, then we cannot love others they way He would have us to.
Hebrews 6: 9 But, beloved, we are convinced of better things concerning you, and things that accompany salvation, though we are speaking in this way. 10 For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints. 11 And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, 12 so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
Think it's a coincidence that today I picked a book back up after a week or two, and this was God's Word today? If you are suffering, especially from a long term illness, listen! God wants someone to hear this.
Commentary on Luke 8:40-56
"For both Jairus and the woman in the crowd Jesus was literally their last hope. Who else could heal from the throes of death? And who else could cure what countless doctors had failed to cure, especially with out pay? Jesus was their only hope.
.....Don't you think it's interesting that the woman suffered her infirmity for the same length of time that Jairus' child had been alive? Ask anyone who has suffered with a chronic ailment how much focus it commands, and she'll tell you she struggles to focus on anything else. Ask any set of parents how much they focus on their one and only child, and they'll likely tell you the same thing. Have you struggled for a long time with some difficulty? I absolutely do not want to minimize your suffering when I tell you that Jesus specializes in the long term and the hopeless.
We read in verse 42 that the crowd pressed so closely to Jesus they were almost crushing Him. Yet a woman behind Him touched only the edge of His cloak, and He discerned the difference. Please keep in mind, she never even touched His skin. Amazing! Notice that when Christ asked, "Who touched me?" they all denied it. .....Did they not realize He wanted few things more than for them to reach out to Him?
When the woman realized that she "could not go unnoticed, " she "came trembling and fell at his feet" (v.47). Beloved, no one goes unnoticed by Christ, least of all, a person acting on faith. I love the fact that the woman came trembling, even though she had exercised enough faith to draw forth the healing power of Jesus. It's good to know that the faithful still come trembling. In fact, their reverence is a critical part of their faith. The truly believing will most certainly also be the bowing.
.....Verse 42 tells us Jesus was on His way to heal the dying child when the woman in the crowd touched the edge of His cloak. Christ Himself described what happened: "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me" (v.46). The primary point I want to make is that Christ released enough power to heal a woman of a twelve-year hemorrhage but still had plenty to raise Jairus's daughter from the dead! Let that sink in! I know you know it with your head but I want you to receive it in your heart. Christ's power supply is limitless.
......Does he seem to be on His way to another need, one that you perceive may be more important than yours? More a matter of life and death? No problem! Reach out and grab that hem! You are not going unnoticed--not even if He's on His way to raise the dead!
...Think of people who you recognize as being at their last hope. Now beloved, what is your greatest need, the deepest desire of your heart? Don't tell me how trivial they seem in comparison! Consider your list carefully. Now I want you to say out loud: "Jesus, You have enough power."
Oh, friend, would you dare to believe that He is completely able? If He doesn't grant you what you ask in faith, it is never because He lacks the power. I believe it's because He wants to release an all-surpassing power and reveal an even greater glory through another answer. Will we laugh at the thought like the foolish mourners outside Jairus's home? Or will we be invited into the house to behold a miracle?" (Jesus, The One and Only by Beth Moore)
