Y'all....yesterday I was ready to quit.
It was a hard, hard day, and I was so very sick. That was actually day 3 of being too sick to function, but it had gotten increasingly worse each day. I knew yesterday that this was just the beginning, and I honestly didn't know how I was going to take one more breath this way.
After cutting the new treatment down for the trip to 9 drops 3 times per day, I had started increasing them by one drop (3 times per day) last Wed. night. When I got to 13 drops, it turned ugly. I stayed at 13 the next day, and even though it was very hard, I went to 14 yesterday. The fatigue so strong and difficult that you really aren't sure you're going to live. (I am not exaggerating.) Weak. Nausea all day long. Severe back pain when I moved. Nerves frayed. Nerve endings in my back so frayed that it feels like it will send you over the edge for a shirt to even touch it. Off and on stabbing pain in my throat. Feeling of constant heartburn in my chest (though it wasn't really heartburn). Heart pounding. Already major sensory issues turned up a notch. All of this caused by 2 things~ Toxins released into my body from Lyme die-off and viruses being activated by the treatment.
In the midst of this yesterday, I read this~
What are you growing impatient to see? Are you ready to give up? If it’s something worth waiting for, please hang on.
Don’t try a short cut. Don’t abandon hope. But rather submit your plans
to God, and ask for more of His Spirit in your life to endure the wait.
I’m pretty sure it will be worth it in the end.
- Glynnis Whitwer
I knew that was for me. It didn't make me stop wanting to quit. But, I kept praying through it. I praised. I had a chiropractor appointment yesterday, and that helped, since it helps detox and usually helps my fatigue short term. I have also increased several supplements when these attacks hit, and they do help some, but on a day like yesterday, it was not very noticeable. I had a lull last night, and felt much better (relatively speaking), but I still didn't feel like I could take an increase. So, today I stayed at the 14 drops and the morning was much better. I just took my second dose of the day, and I feel more symptoms creeping in, but I'm going to fight. This break today is a gift from God, and it's enough that it gives me the courage and strength to increase to 15 tonight or tomorrow. To fight another day. To keep waiting and trusting what He is doing.
Much of the sickness means it's dying. We believe it is now dying faster than it's reproducing. We pray that it's doing the job the research says it does and is killing everything bacterial in every hidden place.
Please pray that I have strength and courage to keep facing this even when it grows so intense. That I won't quit. The higher dose I can handle, the better the chances, and the shorter the time. God has brought me here, and I plan to faithfully follow what He has laid out for me. Pray for God's mercy in the symptoms and continued breaks that give time to breathe and renewed strength. Pray for my children and husband as they stand by me every day. Pray that we will soon see His blessed healing and glory to Him!
Yesterday afternoon and last night I felt shattered. You see, I knew I had felt like I was going slowly, steadily downhill the last 3 or 4 weeks. I knew I was getting more tired again and weaker, stressed easily, more teary. However, what I didn't expect was to go in yesterday and hear, "You're testing for a Lyme related bacteria again." At that moment, my hope and world shattered.
It shattered for my children. It shattered for my husband. It shattered for me.
In the Lyme world, this is not abnormal. Lyme is a nasty bacteria, that releases other bacteria into the body. All of this bacteria goes into the blood stream, the brain, organs, and eventually (after a just a few weeks) buries itself, hidden, in the blood cells. Antibiotics cannot reach the bacteria in the blood cells, so no one is ever truly healed of the Lyme. (If it's not caught in the first few weeks.) It's always there, and many people suffer forever, or it pops up at stressful times of life. The method of treatment we have chosen has been shown to do that...actually kill the Lyme for good, even in the blood cells.
So, when it showed up yesterday after a year, everything just crashed for me. God has been so amazingly wonderful to me, filled me with His grace, given me more patience, contentment, peace, hope, and abundance than I could have ever imagined. But, let's face it. I want out of this prison. I want to be well. I want to be well for my family. So much my heart wants to explode for them at times.
Physically, it wasn't the best for me (even in the wheelchair), but emotionally, I had already needed to get out and had already been thinking of going to the mall after my appointment, so we did. And, physically, it has had it's consequences, but emotionally, it was wonderful to be out in the stores. I was able to forget about Lyme Disease for a short time and enjoy the shoppers and Christmas music, and just seeing people.
And, then it was quiet. And, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like I was starting over. I felt like the things I had so desperately hoped and prayed for for 2014 were lost. Things that I have a whole lot of emotion riding on. I felt like this will never end.
And my husband held me and let me sob. Then he told me how he had been back on the computer while I was getting ready for bed, and reading report after report that this treatment got rid of chronic Lyme in people. That they had gone for several years, still with no signs of the Lyme returning. We talked again, and I tried to soak it in, how this may not be Lyme returning at all, but that, even though it has been a year since I tested Lyme free, it may very well be one of the other bacteria that has been lurking and waiting. That this could actually be a good thing. That God has brought this bacteria now to the surface for it to be killed, too.
I went to bed, thinking, but not convinced of that. Still raw. Still devastated, but with a sliver of hope.
Then. I thanked God. He reminded me. I don't feel one bit thankful for this sickness, but I remembered that I can BE thankful. I can be thankful that we found it quickly, as James reminded me. Thankful that it hasn't had time to do any real damage. And, that's how I went to sleep. With some peace as I chose to thank God for those 2 things.
Today, I hold on to all of these things. Thankful (and actually feeling it a little) for finding it early. Hopeful that this treatment is where God led me and has the history of eradicating the bacteria completely. Thankful that I have a God, Healer, Savior who knows my heart's cry and listens, and who gives me strength to keep waiting and trusting.
I don't feel strong this morning, but I don't feel shattered, either. I feel Him putting the pieces back together. I know He will return my joy as I put my hope in Him, not in tests and treatments.
Last Saturday night...a week ago today...I was getting ready for bed (for bedtime is always when the emotions get so strong, right?), and I was crying out to the Lord, asking Him to show me something. It has been almost a year since I heard Him say anything specific to me about my healing, and though I still cling to those words, the weariness I felt these last 3 or 4 weeks had me needing to hear from Him. Honestly, I don't know if I expected it. Sunday morning, James came in from church to find me lying on the couch, where I had been all morning, too weak and tired to listen to and comprehend a sermon; discouraged. He, not knowing about my prayers the previous night, told me that Jerry, a sweet older man in the church, had come up to him before the service. He told James, "I'm praying for your wife. You know I've told you that before; that I pray for her." He went on to say that he had been praying for me that morning, getting ready for church, and that he "had a word from the Lord. She is going to be healed, and it's not going to be long. I don't know a time, but it's not long."
I have nothing to believe but that God answered my cry, and sent His word to me through what seems an unlikely place. It was not anything that *I* heard through prayer or the Word, so that I could worry that I had just heard what I wanted. (God knows our minds!!) It was through soft spoken, humble, elderly man whom I know only a little. I don't believe the timing was a coincidence either, so as I felt shattered last night, as I'm being put back together today, I hold on to what God has spoken, and trust that He is going to heal just as He has spoken.
Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Put us on your church or Bible study prayer lists. The enemy has been coming on strong for most of this year, but through our prayer, he will...already is....defeated. My heart aches for all that I have hoped for this next year, but He is good, and my aching heart trusts in that alone.
Recently, I was reading about the account of Noah, and these words leaped off the page at me: "But God remembered Noah". Now we all know that God had not actually *forgotten* Noah. But, think about it. The verse before says, "The water prevailed upon the earth one hundred and fifty days." Imagine. Being closed up on this ark with just your immediate family and a gazillion animals, and it rains and rains and rains, and you know from what God has said that everyone and everything outside that ark has been destroyed. Nothing is left but your little group. You are floating in a vast unknown, nothing in sight, day after day after day, tossed around by waves that I am sure were there. I don't know about you and Noah, but I'm pretty certain I would wonder if God remembered me!!
And, don't we sometimes. We all have our "floods" whether they are sickness, like mine currently is, financial crisis, marriage crisis, child crisis..... we look around us and we see nothing but a flood. We see waves, we may feel tossed, we may feel alone in a great, vast ocean. But, this we can remember~ God has not forgotten us! He is there with us to give us His peace so that we know He is walking with us through the flood.
The commentary here says that "to 'remember' in the Bible is not merely to recall to mind; it is to express concern for someone, to act with loving care for him. When God remembers His people, He does so 'with favor'." We go through trials that cause us to wonder if God is still there. We don't feel Him with us for times, and He stays silent for what seems like a long time. But, then, God remembers us. He expresses His concern and He acts with loving care. He is a good God, teaching us about Himself and growing us in the silence, then remembering us with His favor.
This morning, as I was thinking about writing this blog post, this just happened to be the devotion I read from Jesus Calling~
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face-to-Face with Me; your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, "Help me, Jesus!" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me; the One who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me."
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you." Isaiah 43:2
God has not forgotten.
I get up another morning facing another day of sitting at home. Fighting discouragement for a short while as everyone gets ready to go to church to hear Ashley speak. It tries to creep in that I sit at home while everyone goes to do everything. Satan wants me to feel left out, discouraged. He does that to me ever so often. Luring me to feel down, sorry for myself, which leads to doubting and to focus on all I can't do, focus on self, all I'm missing, all I long to do. I have been teetering here for a few days.
Last Wed. I made the choice to go to Lowe's to look at cabinets and floors to replace where we had the flood in Nov. The concrete and 1/2 old vinyl tile~1/2 wood floor really doesn't bother me too much, but I was having a few "good" days, so I thought I'd tackle it. It tacked me. Thursday was a completely horrid day. Horrid. Worse than a very long time. Not just physically....and it was indeed horrid physically...but emotionally and spiritually as well. At the end of the day, I collapsed in the floor, sobbing, and said, "I just want to live through this." Right that second, I wasn't sure if I could. No strength to go on; to fight.
But God in His goodness whispers to me.
He holds me. He reminds me. He provides for me. He encourages me. He is my strength. If I am focused on Him, not myself; His promises and His character, not how things look; then I have every reason to be thankful, to praise Him. If I look to myself or to anything else, it is hopeless, and at that point, I probably can't live through it! But, I serve a God who shows me the good, who gives me glimpses of Himself and what He is doing, who whispers to me in the dark places just how much He loves me,
who died for me! That alone makes Him worthy of my praise no matter how dark the battle may seem.
But, guess what! Just because the battle is dark, doesn't mean I have to live in the dark. "My eyes are continually toward the Lord, For He will pluck my feet out of the net." (Psalm 25:15) and He promises that His grace is sufficient for me...and you! He is fighting for us!
As I focus on Him, this stops being a season of asking or wondering why. It becomes a season of asking Him to show me Himself. To show me "great and mighty things which I do not know." Does that make every day easy? No. And, some days are down right hard. But, it makes every day worth living for, every day worthy of praising Him, every day worthy of giving thanks, because when I focus on knowing Him, everything else dims. My losses, my needs, my desires are in His hands...trustworthy, capable, loving hands. And, guess what! I am inscirbed there. (Isaiah 49:16)
A trial is called a trial because it's HARD. I know there will be more. More to test and strengthen my faith, but I can face them knowing that He is all powerful, He loves me, He works for my good, and He will not leave me. There is much to praise and thank Him for even at our lowest points. Even when we don't know how we will live through it.
This morning I posted an article on my facebook page about suffering, and this is a quote from it~
"Suffering
often gives us the drive we need to press into God to help us get
through the ordeal. It causes us to press into Him and in the process we
can soar with Him above the storms of life. Instead of being upset or
angry at God, ask Him what He’s trying to teach you or work out of you."
In His kindness, the Lord gave me a glimpse last week of how he has wiped our slate clean in many places and that He is going to build something new. He even gave us an almost hint at what it pertains to. :) Almost. Just a wee bit. That really was kind. It was encouragement, it was hope, it was confirmation (and MORE!) of what we have believed and hoped for all along. We have no clue really what it will be, what it will take to get there, and how far away that is, but it is another thing to thank and praise Him for.
Quite honestly, my flesh and my emotions are tired of this battle. If I begin to wonder how much longer it will go on, I become defeated. I can't fathom another year of this. But, God in His mercy will carry me through as I praise Him for all He is and all He does, and as my focus stays on being conformed to His image instead of my own wants...no matter how long it takes.
What else can I praise and thank Him for?
~most Lyme sufferers have much pain. I've had only a little at times
~now being Lyme free and the hope of complete healing
~God set into motion long before for James to be at home working and he can take care of me and the girls.
~James...working to do it all for us, and doing so alone. His unending support and encouragement.
~Ashley, who has been home part of this time and been able to give James some breaks in cooking at times. Who has been here to be a friend, to talk about nothing, to share her heart, and to just hang out with sometimes. Who has taken her sisters clothes shopping every season (except she couldn't rescue James from swimsuit shopping! ;) )
~Briana, who lets me text her and say, "I'm getting in the shower", and who replies, "I'm praying!!", because she knows how exhausted it can make me. She texts and we chat and she keeps me company and cheers me. Who (along with her sweet husband) comes to visit me and give me extra hugs. Oh, let's not forget, who lets me email and text pictures of kitchen cabinets and floors, and whine, "I don't know!!!", then gives me her feedback.
~Marissa and Daniella~ hugs, smiles, laughs, bringing me things when I can't get up to get them or just to help me conserve energy, helping with housework, playing games with me, chatting, joy!
~Sunshine
~a God-given, God-favored trip to Disney and the beach that I could never have fathomed
~insurance to pay for a new kitchen I've wanted for years...even if I can't figure out what I want!
~online friends, especially when I can't be out and feel alone
~a piece of dark chocolate every day!
~homeschooling and flexibility
And, many, many more....
