I've had a few people ask me lately how I'm doing. I'm okay...I'm good...I'm blessed...I'm really, really tired. The last few days I've been trying to figure out why I've been so much more tired lately. It occurred to me recently that I no longer feel up to playing games with or reading to the girls very often, and that has been discouraging me. Just being more tired, not feeling progress, has been discouraging to me. Call me slow....we'll blame that on the fatigue! ;) ....but, it finally hit me this morning. I've been "going non-stop" this summer. Feeling the need to get out of this house a little, and feeling the need to not miss out on some things, I have pushed, not realizing how much it was affecting me over all. Of course, I knew for that day and a few afterwards I was more tired, but it has just now occurred to me that in general it has worn me down more.
I think I was pretty good between Marissa's birthday party in mid May until the end of June when James and I celebrated our 27th anniversary. That weekend, we went to Gatlinburg, which is very close by, we stayed at the room a lot either sitting on the balcony, or me napping, and when we went out I used a wheelchair, but I was up, dressed, and out 3 days in a row, which was my fault for pushing instead of having him bring dinner to me. You may have seen me say that even taking a shower and getting ready completely drain me. So, that was the end of June, and the next week we had guests for 2 days...once again up and ready, not lying down much and doing more. A week and a half later, I went with the family to the airport to see Ashley off to Kenya, then went to 2 stores and to eat after, a week or 2 later went to the mall to 2 stores and to eat after an appointment, couple of weeks later went to Crossville/Nashville for 5 nights, came straight home and went back to the airport to pick Ashley up at 11:00 pm, had another guest for a couple of days, went to the fair last week, which was a killer, and have had 2 eye doctor appointments in the last 2 weeks. Add in riding an hour each way to Knoxville every week for an hour + appointment. That's a lot. Add to that normal life stresses (and a few not so normal) when I'm supposed to be avoiding stress. Stress wears on the immune system.
I am very thankful that the Lord has helped me get through all of this, and some of it was good, but I list that all off more for my benefit to see why I am more run down even at home. It helps me to see the reason, rather than being concerned I am just getting worse. It also helps me see, that I need to stay home more and rest more, if I can. Whether I will is a little more difficult! But, I have to remember that getting well and being able to be present and enjoy my girls and to have a better future with them is more important than whether I get to get out of the house or run by a store or eat out when I'm already out. Choosing the best over what's good. I have got to learn, at least for the time, what is most important emotionally, and continue to lean on God to get me through the cabin fever. Outside the spiritual aspects, what I long for the most is to do things with my girls...all of them...but, probably the best way for that to happen is to stay put as much as possible, and that means making more hard choices. If I'm honest, that makes me sad. Very sad.
Otherwise, we think I am making slow progress. Many know that I am not going the antibiotic route. After a TON of research, it is clear that antibiotics will not help, mostly since I have had this for so long. If you catch it right away and treat it long enough, then antibiotics might help (or put it in remission, where mine has been most of this time), but not after 7 years. After a time, or if antibiotics are not given correctly, Lyme Disease gets into the red blood cells, and they will not touch it there. The route we have chosen has shown great success with healing Lyme, not just putting it in remission, and my practitioner has treated someone with it, although hers was not as severe. In addition to the Lyme, I still struggle with staph infection in my left shoulder that I have had for over a year. With my immune system weak and them fighting against each other, it can't heal. We continue to hit both of those as hard as we can, and at the same time are "slowly" tackling all the damage done to the rest of my body..... nerve and tissue damage including peripheral neurothapy, several intestinal issues, several eye problems, comprehension/processing problems, etc. We are making some progress, but the damage is great, and it takes time. I have finally comprehended, too, that unless the Lord decides one of these days soon to answer with a sudden healing (which I trust fully He can and may do), this damage will all take time to heal. But, I do trust He WILL heal.
Even though some days are really tough physically and emotionally, the Lord has encouraged and helped me in so many ways. He has given me peace and insight at times I have been very lonely and felt forgotten, He told me He is using this time to show me "great and mighty things which (I) did not know", and He has given me a husband and children to love, encourage, and take good care of me. He is working all of it that was meant for evil...the sickness, the isolation, the aloneness...for good. Do I look forward to the day when I can "run and not grow weary; walk and not be faint?" You betcha! But, I know there is growth and strength to be found in the process. But, I NEED prayers for all of that, and if you ever want to just drop me a note or phone call to let me know you're praying and/or just to chat, it does wonders for the spirit. It's *very* great for me when I ask for prayer that many people pray, and I appreciate that more than you can ever know, but one thing I have learned...for myself and from others...it is awesome to have someone to remember and take the few minutes of time to reach out to you when you've not asked.
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14