I Am Sick

I am sick. I am really sick. I have been sick for 6 months. Actually, I have been sick since April 2005, but got mostly better during that time. This is my heart crying out post, because sometimes you just have to do that. I'm sure some will say I am feeling sorry for myself. Maybe. Nevertheless, my heart aches right now. Not as much that I have been almost completely housebound for 6 months; not that anytime I do step out of the house to do anything with my family I have to spend the next day or 2 on the couch or in bed; not that I have had a major relapse this past week and am possibly worse than when I started and am almost completely bedridden at this point; not that my body is not healing like it should have by this time. My heart aches because I am alone.

Maybe that's my fault because I have tried not to complain. I have tried not to whine on fb about how bad I feel. Or, maybe it's because even though many people know I am sick, they haven't cared or taken the time to show they care. My name has been on the church prayer list for 5 1/2 months. The day after it went on one lady emailed to ask me what was wrong. Haven't heard from her since. The new pastor called after a few weeks and ...left James a voice mail, I think. Three other people have sent cards...two of those in the last month. I have not been able to step foot in church since June. You'd think someone would notice or care. My husband is a deacon and has served on several committees (not that that is important...just that he has been very active), my older girls were in the choir, on the praise dance team, etc., my younger girls are very active in the children's programs. No, I haven't been very active in programs because of this underlying sickness. Still.....

No one from the church, from my life, from our family has once asked if we needed anything. My husband is, for all practical purposes, a single parent. He does almost all the cooking....right now he does all of it. I have been able to cook maybe 10 easy meals in the last 6 months. Our oldest daughter has cooked a few on some weekends she has been home. My 2 younger girls have their daily chores to help keep up with the house, but those are far from all that needs doing. He keeps the kitchen clean, vacuums, cleans anything that I ask him to because it is getting bad, takes the girls to church, piano, and anywhere they need to go....this afternoon it's a birthday party...yesterday it was shopping for a gift for the party. He does the grocery shopping, runs the errands, and, oh, yes...did I mention that he has his own job? No one has offered a meal, no one has asked how they could help, no one has offered to pick my children up and take them to an outing with their kids. No one, but those few, has even noticed.

Funny, the one person who consistently reaches out to me and asks how I am is a lady whom I have never met, who lives in PA, and who has a debilitating sickness of her own. She has 4 young children with special needs, too. I am so humbled and blessed every time I get a note from her telling me she is thinking about me and that she is praying for me. My needs are nothing compared to hers.

Maybe this is all to show me that I haven't been the help and encourager God wants me to be. Maybe it's to show me how I have failed at helping others around me, though I have tried anytime God has shown me a need. Believe me. I have searched my heart. I know I failed at least one friend, but not realizing how hard life was when her husband had an injury. I love to encourage people, but maybe that has not been enough to show God's love to others. Even before 6 months ago, I had to be careful and rest a lot, so I continue to pray over what God wants it to look like in my life. I don't know what any of it for any of us should look like. I only know that this hurts and this is lonely.

This post, although it sounds like it, is not about pointing fingers. It's about the facts, it's about my heart longing for someone to love on us because they want to, it's about needing to express how lonely a long illness is. I suppose if I had cancer or had had a heart attack or something the world views as significant, I would have more people around at least for a while. I know there a few people praying, and that is great. In the meantime, I encourage us all to look for the people around us who are missing, who are hurting, who are sick..especially for long periods of time..and to reach out to those people. You may just be the help and the smile their heart needs that day.

I must end with saying I am blessed. I have a husband who is a hero. Not once has he complained (out loud anyway!! : ) ), and on top of the physical needs of running the home, he has also been there to encourage me..and I have needed it often. I have 2 young daughters at home who make me laugh every day and give me hugs. And, most of all God has continually encouraged me with his Word, He has given me hope, and He loves me.