I know it's probably time to move past grieving for a loss of relationship; for a longing for a relationship that we were all born to crave. Grieving of the rejection and loss; longing for the unconditional love, acceptance, and time. I just don't know how. I don't know how to move past it with healing, instead of walls. And, yet, I've done it before. I know it has to be the work of the Lord to bring that healing. I just don't know what my part looks like. This time is deeper, harder, and feels like a final blow. It's not about forgiveness. I have worked through feelings of anger and bitterness as they have come up. I continually ask God to reveal my heart and to help me forgive. One thing I have learned in my life is that sometimes forgiveness has to be an ongoing process, especially when the hurt comes over and over again.
And, here's the twist. I can't let go of the relationship. It's not possible. I just have to learn to not let it tear my heart out. How do you learn to have a positive, good relationship with people when there is no trust and when, in addition to all those other things mentioned above, you know that person harbors bitterness toward you over something that you had absolutely no control over? None. Except that you spoke and brought the darkness into the light. No, I can't talk about it with them. It's not allowed.
I know the promises of the Lord, and He is great and merciful. He receives me and loves me unconditionally. I don't have to perform or work for His love, and He is not disappointed in me when I fail. He gives me all the time in the world, if I only give it to Him. He is the master Healer, He binds up the broken hearted, He restores our soul. He also gives us treasures such as a loving husband who lets me cry on his shoulder when it's too painful, and who loves me in spite of me . And, 4 wonderful, beautiful children.
There is a time for grieving. But, how do you know when that season is past, and it's time to move on? And, what on earth does moving on look like? Lord, show me.
Psalm 16:11~"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Look At What God Did!!
Some of you know the story of where our life is right now, but since it's key to this story and some may not, I'll try to give a short version. Four years ago in Oct., God clearly told James to stop building *anything*. (If you want to hear how we stepped out of that and God showed us He meant business, let me know!! ha!) There was no doubt. He didn't know what he was supposed to do, but we just decided for the time he would spend lots of time with the girls, do some projects on the house, and be able to spend more time in Bible study. Those were the things we listed. I told him then, we have (blank) *weeks* worth of money in savings. A few weeks later, I felt strongly the urging to read 1 Kings 17. I had no idea what it was about, but I turned and read, and I met God there! Through that scripture He told me without a doubt that He wanted James to use this time of drought to hide in His Word, and that He would continue to provide for us; the jar would not run empty until the drought was over. That, as I said, was 4 years ago. He has brought our provisions for 4 years~not only for our needs, but even enough for vacations and our daughter to have a beautiful wedding. During this time God has brought James into ministry, worked in lives in an amazing way, and is slowly (in our eyes) shaping it each step of the way.
Let me just say this has been a crunch time the last few weeks. This is where God has said, "Do you trust me? Do you still believe what I told you? When the brook runs dry, when the jar seems almost empty, do you trust me?" So, insert a dead oven, lots of supplements for my adrenal issues, and up until today around $600 worth of eye doctor bills in the last 3 months. As you know, I needed laser treatment on my retina. I asked last visit how much it would be, and she told me right at $900. Then she said, "Oh, wait. That's self pay. If you file it on insurance it will be $1600." (yeah, that's a scam) Since we have a $5000 deductible, we would have to pay about $1400 of that out of pocket. So, in the meantime, 2 things. One, we decided to not file it on our deductible and self pay Two~ I prayed and prayed. For almost a month now, I have prayed, "Lord, we need $900 for this." "Lord, please send us at least $900 in time for this surgery". ( :-) Yeah, I guess it doesn't hurt to ask for a little more for all those other dr bills!) Somewhere last week, it slowly seeps in that that might not be His plan. He might want us to keep trusting Him to not let the jar run empty. To trust Him. This morning before we left, I prayed, "Lord, no $900 yet, so I guess you want us to just trust You to keep providing. So I am."
When we got to the office we told the lady we wanted to self-pay and why, and she told us, yes, that's about 1/2 the price. So, after the procedure, we went out to the window to pay. Are you ready for this?? : ) She looks at the paperwork and says, "He didn't charge you for the laser; just an office visit, so that will be $136." We're standing with our mouths open, and say, "What? He didn't charge for the laser?" "Yep. $136." I walked out of that office in tears and thanking God for His faithfulness! A doctor randomly knocks over $650 off of our bill? I'm still speechless. And, not only that, He was good to show me, give me a visible picture that He's still watching over us, still taking care of us, still going to provide, and James is still on the right path in what God has shown him to do.
Let me just say this has been a crunch time the last few weeks. This is where God has said, "Do you trust me? Do you still believe what I told you? When the brook runs dry, when the jar seems almost empty, do you trust me?" So, insert a dead oven, lots of supplements for my adrenal issues, and up until today around $600 worth of eye doctor bills in the last 3 months. As you know, I needed laser treatment on my retina. I asked last visit how much it would be, and she told me right at $900. Then she said, "Oh, wait. That's self pay. If you file it on insurance it will be $1600." (yeah, that's a scam) Since we have a $5000 deductible, we would have to pay about $1400 of that out of pocket. So, in the meantime, 2 things. One, we decided to not file it on our deductible and self pay Two~ I prayed and prayed. For almost a month now, I have prayed, "Lord, we need $900 for this." "Lord, please send us at least $900 in time for this surgery". ( :-) Yeah, I guess it doesn't hurt to ask for a little more for all those other dr bills!) Somewhere last week, it slowly seeps in that that might not be His plan. He might want us to keep trusting Him to not let the jar run empty. To trust Him. This morning before we left, I prayed, "Lord, no $900 yet, so I guess you want us to just trust You to keep providing. So I am."
When we got to the office we told the lady we wanted to self-pay and why, and she told us, yes, that's about 1/2 the price. So, after the procedure, we went out to the window to pay. Are you ready for this?? : ) She looks at the paperwork and says, "He didn't charge you for the laser; just an office visit, so that will be $136." We're standing with our mouths open, and say, "What? He didn't charge for the laser?" "Yep. $136." I walked out of that office in tears and thanking God for His faithfulness! A doctor randomly knocks over $650 off of our bill? I'm still speechless. And, not only that, He was good to show me, give me a visible picture that He's still watching over us, still taking care of us, still going to provide, and James is still on the right path in what God has shown him to do.
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