Fighting Discouragement

I just got up from a nap feeling really rotten, so exhausted that I feel like I could just wilt onto the floor, just sitting here. So exhausted, I almost feel nauseous. So exhausted that I have been having trouble making complete thoughts on anything of any depth. 

 I sat on the couch next to Marissa thinking, "I have no earthy desire to decorate for Christmas." I really don't, especially knowing I'll mostly just be able to watch. I can reach into the recesses of logic, and know that probably in a day or 2, I will begin to get some energy back, and perhaps the desire will change. That it probably stems from the exhaustion.

But, as I sat processing the lack of desire and digging for that logic, I realized I am very discouraged this afternoon. And, I know that will pass, too. But, right now, it's a struggle. Many people will say they know how I feel, but only a few really do. To know that all I did to get to this totally sick, exhausted place was to: take a shower 3 days in a row (no, I can't do that, and normally don't, so don't drop by without a day's notice), go outside and enjoy watching my family play, and helped with a very few things in the kitchen for Thanksgiving preparations. This is day 2 of nothing but rest, and it's no better.

This is not a daily struggle by any means. Just sometimes when the biggness of this disease hits me. When the knowledge that so little causes this. That's when the walls start closing in, and the enemy tries to convince me that life will always be this way. And, if you want to know realistically, for some people with Lyme disease, it IS always this way. The enemy tries to convince me that I am no different, there is no hope in having a life outside these walls again, that I am alone, that God and everyone else has forgotten me. 

On the good days, I have not accepted that this is all there is, and we believe the Lord has led us to this path and to His healing. We know I have made some progress, and believe He has made promises. But, some days I have to say, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." This afternoon is one of those times. One of those struggles. One of those days that I just need a good cry. And, He will help my unbelief. He will strengthen me again. This disease is evil and God did not give it to me, but He is using it for good. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I am even thankful for it, because what He has done for me in the spiritual has been worth the cost. And, yet, some moments are weary. I will be very happy to move on and out of this season. I will thank Him for it, and thank Him for it being over.