Courtship

About 7 years ago, our family was introduced to the concept of "not dating".  Over the years, we have read numerous books and articles on the subject.  Our older girls chose on their own to not date.  It was not something we had to force on them or make them understand, so we've had it easy so far.  They understood the Biblical principles behind waiting, and chose it. 
One thing I have learned over the 20 years that I've been a mom is that when your children are little, it is easy to read books and think you know all the answers.  It's easy to plan out "this is how it will be".  Unfortunately, this fails to take into account the personalities of our young adults, and it mostly fails to take into account-God. 
I am not talking about moral and Biblical commands.  I am not talking about compromising on issues that the Lord has led you to.  I am talking about not putting God, and our children, in our own man-made box. 
Seven years later, we still believe in the idea of waiting.  We still believe that to be God's best for our children.  Our girls still believe that, too.  However, our concept of what that will look like has changed, and sometimes changed again.  In fact, right now we are at the point of having little preconceived notion of what that will look like!  Since our oldest is 20 years old, that's a scary place to find ourselves.  It would seem this should be the time that we should really start pinpointing exactly what we expect . 
If you read all the books and articles, they will tell you the things you should do if you want your child to "court."  They explain all the do's and don'ts of successful courtship.  Let me venture off subject for a minute.  If you're reading this, chances are you are a homeschooler.  You know that there are Biblical directives on teaching our children. These verses are what tell us that God does not want our Christian children in the Godless setting of the public schools.  However, there are no verses in the Bible that tell us exactly what teaching our children at home must look like.  We can read the experts on child development, and know that certain principles are right and best for children.  We can know how children learn best.  However, when it all comes down to it, we must pray and seek God in what and how we are to teach them.   We must look at our family's giftings and interests to determine the best path for our family.  There are no legalistic rules of what it has to look like.
Now, look back at courtship.  We find many Biblical principles to tell us that traditional dating is full of temptations and consequences that a Christian should not be exposed to.  The experts in the field tell us ways they believe will help secure a "successful" courtship experience--lots of do's and don'ts.  Some of these we can see would be good and healthy.  However, just like choosing our method of homeschooling, there are not specific instructions in the Bible, aside from absolute morals,  of what our child's "courtship" should look like.  The only secure way of our children finding God's mate for them is through constant communication with God.
We must be careful not to put God in a box.  Courtship books tell us how our daughter is to meet her future husband, how he should become aquainted with her, how we should become aquainted with him, what the courtship should look like, how long it should last, how they should be allowed to see one another.  While there may be great guiding principles in those "rules", and we can learn much from the Godly counsel of those who have gone before us, I think we are wrong to decide ahead of time that this is the way it WILL be.  "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps."  Prov. 16:9.  We must leave room for God to work in the circumstances of the life He has given us, and what He desires for our child's future.  Only He knows the big  picture. 
At the same time, we must be careful not to sell God short.  God is also very capable of bringing the person she prays for, and even in the way we have dreamed it would happen.  We should never settle for less than GOD's best.  The point is being open to what God's best is-not just what our limited vision thinks is best.  How many times has God led us to places that we never dreamed we would be?  Ashley has a list that she made a few years ago of all the characteristics and traits she desires in a husband.  As unrealistic as the average person might think making a list is, nothing is impossible with God.  He can meet all the desires of her heart.  ........and on the other hand......he does not have to be limited by that list.  Don't miss out on the person God has planned for your child just because you prayed he would like veggies, and this guy doesn't.  If you prayed for that, and he does, then that's just a wonderful free gift from your Father, who loves you and knows what you need.  Or, perhaps he knows you need a little mix in your diet!    (I really did read of a girl who wanted someone who loved brocolli!)
As I said before, I am not talking about compromising on Biblical principles.  We will not settle for someone who is not a strong Christian, who does not have the capabilities of being a Biblical family leader, who does not love children, and several others.  Here are some other factors that we know will be a part of our girls' "courtship."
 - Parental blessing and family involvement (on both sides)
 - both at the age and maturity level to consider marriage (in other words, it's not just for fun)
-  relationship is based on a good friendship before romance develops
 - All involved parties continually seeking God's will in the relationship
- A clear standard of purity
No matter their age, start praying now for your child's future spouse, and how they will meet .  It is never too early.  Read all you can find on courtship.  Learn from those who have been there.  Then pray some more.  Look for those principles you agree with and feel are right for your family.  Then pray some more.  But through it all, leave room for God to work.  Don't put Him in a box of rules, but don't sell Him short, either. 
Letitia