Yesterday David (who does my Lyme treatments, plus some) tested again for the Lyme, and he could not find it! Lyme Disease hides in the red blood cells and goes into remission with antibiotic treatments unless it is caught very early and treated very aggressively. It lives in the blood cells, and most people have problems...sometimes crippling/life threatening.... with it their entire lives. The testing/treatment that we have used picks up and treats the disease even into the red blood cells. That means that he can't find it in my body anymore...at all...anywhere. There is a slight chance it could be hiding out and not picked up because yesterday it picked up the Epstein Barr virus in me : P , but he doesn't think so. He doesn't think it would hide behind that, unless the EB was very strong, perhaps. What he said to me is, "I believe in a God who heals."
This is enough to make someone scream with delight. Do a happy dance. Hug and kiss strangers! But, what did I do? Just sat there, staring into space, fighting tears. But, not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I'm strange.
I got in the car and cried. I did the same thing back in Oct, when my numbers for the staph and Lyme got dramatically, unexpectedly better in just 2-3 weeks time. I think it just stuns me, too.
I hope in God, in Him sustaining me, but I hope in His healing, too. And, then I turn around and am afraid to hope. God has been my strength this past year and a half (and the 6 1/2 years before that when I just always felt fatigued from doing much), and He still is, but a weariness has tried to settle in the last 2 weeks. I believe that God is bringing all of this to an end and we're on that path. My fickle emotions (and the enemy of my soul) have to be fought, though.
I think I have this fear that this result is wrong. That it isn't really gone. That next week, he'll say, "Oh, no. Sorry. It's still there." This is fear even though I believe fully that God has said He will heal me, and even though I KNOW he led me to this treatment, and even though I believe in this treatment and have seen God use it to cure many other things in amazing ways. Afraid to hope. But, shouldn't my hope be in the Lord? In what He said? In who He is? (rhetorical question) He doesn't lie, and He said He would heal me. And, you know what? Even if David did say that next week, God still has me and is still working. I would just still need my eyes focused on Him and not the healing. But, my human emotions have a whole lot invested in being well, in being a hands on mom again, in getting out of this house and living an abundant life. And, I think that's a God given hope and desire.
I realized another reason for my reaction yesterday is that I just still feel horrible. Worse again lately. Lyme being gone is a very awesome thing, but it left behind all of it's damage that I want gone....yesterday! Yet, I know that with it gone, it can't do any further damage, and we are making steady progress on the damage it's done. Back to that human/flesh struggle is the fear that I will be left with some of that damage. Damage that makes life very difficult. Again, a whole lot of emotions tied up in the hope. But, God didn't say that He was going to get rid of Lyme. He said He was going to heal me. So, again, that's where my hope needs to stay. Not in the emotions, not in the current situation. In Him and His Word.
This has been a tough couple of weeks for me emotionally. Harder than it's been the last entire year and a half. I don't know why, except an enemy who wants to discourage me, and maybe that whole "darkest before the dawn" thing. But, it's like the closer I get to being healed, the more fear tries to control me. Thankfully, I have a Savior who has been walking me through it, showing His faithfulness, and showing me where some of those fears are coming from, helping me trust and lean on Him, and not give into those fears. Some days it has been just putting one trusting foot in front of the other, and it hasn't always been pretty, but we're making it and growing in it.
Ashley posted a quote yesterday that fits so well for me right now~
"Oh, what an ache wanting can bring, when I
know that the wanting is good, right, even God-granted, but realize that
for now it is God-denied, and that He has not let me know all the
wisdom of the denial. But I believe, and it is this that lets the living
go on...it seems to say, 'Take it easy; we are not through the story
yet...'"
(Jim Elliot)
I pray this chapter of the story is coming to a close, and I am praying steadfastly that God will help me be ready for it, and know the steps to take when the next chapter begins to unfold (...another irrational fear!) A vacation...or 2... is first on my list! : )
For today...I feel more like doing that happy dance. And, I will trust that God is working and fighting on my behalf, and that next week David will say, "Nope. I still can't find it."
