Yesterday David (who does my Lyme treatments, plus some) tested again for the Lyme, and he could not find it! Lyme Disease hides in the red blood cells and goes into remission with antibiotic treatments unless it is caught very early and treated very aggressively. It lives in the blood cells, and most people have problems...sometimes crippling/life threatening.... with it their entire lives. The testing/treatment that we have used picks up and treats the disease even into the red blood cells. That means that he can't find it in my body anymore...at all...anywhere. There is a slight chance it could be hiding out and not picked up because yesterday it picked up the Epstein Barr virus in me : P , but he doesn't think so. He doesn't think it would hide behind that, unless the EB was very strong, perhaps. What he said to me is, "I believe in a God who heals."
This is enough to make someone scream with delight. Do a happy dance. Hug and kiss strangers! But, what did I do? Just sat there, staring into space, fighting tears. But, not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I'm strange.
I got in the car and cried. I did the same thing back in Oct, when my numbers for the staph and Lyme got dramatically, unexpectedly better in just 2-3 weeks time. I think it just stuns me, too.
I hope in God, in Him sustaining me, but I hope in His healing, too. And, then I turn around and am afraid to hope. God has been my strength this past year and a half (and the 6 1/2 years before that when I just always felt fatigued from doing much), and He still is, but a weariness has tried to settle in the last 2 weeks. I believe that God is bringing all of this to an end and we're on that path. My fickle emotions (and the enemy of my soul) have to be fought, though.
I think I have this fear that this result is wrong. That it isn't really gone. That next week, he'll say, "Oh, no. Sorry. It's still there." This is fear even though I believe fully that God has said He will heal me, and even though I KNOW he led me to this treatment, and even though I believe in this treatment and have seen God use it to cure many other things in amazing ways. Afraid to hope. But, shouldn't my hope be in the Lord? In what He said? In who He is? (rhetorical question) He doesn't lie, and He said He would heal me. And, you know what? Even if David did say that next week, God still has me and is still working. I would just still need my eyes focused on Him and not the healing. But, my human emotions have a whole lot invested in being well, in being a hands on mom again, in getting out of this house and living an abundant life. And, I think that's a God given hope and desire.
I realized another reason for my reaction yesterday is that I just still feel horrible. Worse again lately. Lyme being gone is a very awesome thing, but it left behind all of it's damage that I want gone....yesterday! Yet, I know that with it gone, it can't do any further damage, and we are making steady progress on the damage it's done. Back to that human/flesh struggle is the fear that I will be left with some of that damage. Damage that makes life very difficult. Again, a whole lot of emotions tied up in the hope. But, God didn't say that He was going to get rid of Lyme. He said He was going to heal me. So, again, that's where my hope needs to stay. Not in the emotions, not in the current situation. In Him and His Word.
This has been a tough couple of weeks for me emotionally. Harder than it's been the last entire year and a half. I don't know why, except an enemy who wants to discourage me, and maybe that whole "darkest before the dawn" thing. But, it's like the closer I get to being healed, the more fear tries to control me. Thankfully, I have a Savior who has been walking me through it, showing His faithfulness, and showing me where some of those fears are coming from, helping me trust and lean on Him, and not give into those fears. Some days it has been just putting one trusting foot in front of the other, and it hasn't always been pretty, but we're making it and growing in it.
Ashley posted a quote yesterday that fits so well for me right now~
"Oh, what an ache wanting can bring, when I
know that the wanting is good, right, even God-granted, but realize that
for now it is God-denied, and that He has not let me know all the
wisdom of the denial. But I believe, and it is this that lets the living
go on...it seems to say, 'Take it easy; we are not through the story
yet...'"
(Jim Elliot)
I pray this chapter of the story is coming to a close, and I am praying steadfastly that God will help me be ready for it, and know the steps to take when the next chapter begins to unfold (...another irrational fear!) A vacation...or 2... is first on my list! : )
For today...I feel more like doing that happy dance. And, I will trust that God is working and fighting on my behalf, and that next week David will say, "Nope. I still can't find it."
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Fighting Discouragement
I just got up from a nap feeling really rotten, so exhausted that I feel like I could just wilt onto the floor, just sitting here. So exhausted, I almost feel nauseous. So exhausted that I have been having trouble making complete thoughts on anything of any depth.
I sat on the couch next to Marissa thinking, "I have no earthy desire to decorate for Christmas." I really don't, especially knowing I'll mostly just be able to watch. I can reach into the recesses of logic, and know that probably in a day or 2, I will begin to get some energy back, and perhaps the desire will change. That it probably stems from the exhaustion.
But, as I sat processing the lack of desire and digging for that logic, I realized I am very discouraged this afternoon. And, I know that will pass, too. But, right now, it's a struggle. Many people will say they know how I feel, but only a few really do. To know that all I did to get to this totally sick, exhausted place was to: take a shower 3 days in a row (no, I can't do that, and normally don't, so don't drop by without a day's notice), go outside and enjoy watching my family play, and helped with a very few things in the kitchen for Thanksgiving preparations. This is day 2 of nothing but rest, and it's no better.
This is not a daily struggle by any means. Just sometimes when the biggness of this disease hits me. When the knowledge that so little causes this. That's when the walls start closing in, and the enemy tries to convince me that life will always be this way. And, if you want to know realistically, for some people with Lyme disease, it IS always this way. The enemy tries to convince me that I am no different, there is no hope in having a life outside these walls again, that I am alone, that God and everyone else has forgotten me.
On the good days, I have not accepted that this is all there is, and we believe the Lord has led us to this path and to His healing. We know I have made some progress, and believe He has made promises. But, some days I have to say, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." This afternoon is one of those times. One of those struggles. One of those days that I just need a good cry. And, He will help my unbelief. He will strengthen me again. This disease is evil and God did not give it to me, but He is using it for good. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I am even thankful for it, because what He has done for me in the spiritual has been worth the cost. And, yet, some moments are weary. I will be very happy to move on and out of this season. I will thank Him for it, and thank Him for it being over.
I sat on the couch next to Marissa thinking, "I have no earthy desire to decorate for Christmas." I really don't, especially knowing I'll mostly just be able to watch. I can reach into the recesses of logic, and know that probably in a day or 2, I will begin to get some energy back, and perhaps the desire will change. That it probably stems from the exhaustion.
But, as I sat processing the lack of desire and digging for that logic, I realized I am very discouraged this afternoon. And, I know that will pass, too. But, right now, it's a struggle. Many people will say they know how I feel, but only a few really do. To know that all I did to get to this totally sick, exhausted place was to: take a shower 3 days in a row (no, I can't do that, and normally don't, so don't drop by without a day's notice), go outside and enjoy watching my family play, and helped with a very few things in the kitchen for Thanksgiving preparations. This is day 2 of nothing but rest, and it's no better.
This is not a daily struggle by any means. Just sometimes when the biggness of this disease hits me. When the knowledge that so little causes this. That's when the walls start closing in, and the enemy tries to convince me that life will always be this way. And, if you want to know realistically, for some people with Lyme disease, it IS always this way. The enemy tries to convince me that I am no different, there is no hope in having a life outside these walls again, that I am alone, that God and everyone else has forgotten me.
On the good days, I have not accepted that this is all there is, and we believe the Lord has led us to this path and to His healing. We know I have made some progress, and believe He has made promises. But, some days I have to say, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." This afternoon is one of those times. One of those struggles. One of those days that I just need a good cry. And, He will help my unbelief. He will strengthen me again. This disease is evil and God did not give it to me, but He is using it for good. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I am even thankful for it, because what He has done for me in the spiritual has been worth the cost. And, yet, some moments are weary. I will be very happy to move on and out of this season. I will thank Him for it, and thank Him for it being over.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Seven and a Half
#1 I am absolutely in no way superstitious or consider this superstitious.
#2 I don't know whether any of this has any relevance to anything except to be quite interesting.
#3 But, God...... I don't begin to know at this moment what He has going on. Maybe they are significant numbers that I may or may not ever know. (I know 7 is the number of completion in the Bible, but 7 1/2?) As for this post, it's just to share the funness of how things have played out so far.
For some unknown reason back in the earlier summer, I counted how long it had been .... I don't remember what....from the time I got sick in July 2011 to the time we discovered I had Lyme disease, maybe? Then something made me count another time period. Odd. So I counted another. And, this is how it played out~
~From the time we are pretty certain I got my deer tick friend in 2004 until the time I started having health issues in 2005, was right at 7 1/2 months.
~From the time we are pretty certain I got my deer tick friend in 2004 until the time I started having health issues again in 2011 was just over 7 1/2 years.
~From the time I got really sick and my body shut down in 2011 until the time I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2012 was 7 1/2 months.
Weird. Amazing. Huh.
So, naturally, the next thing my mind did was count.... when would 7 1/2 months be from the time I was diagnosed? End of October. I shared it with James, and we both pondered it, but in the end, I decided I didn't want to try to be putting something there that wasn't, so I put it out of my mind. Until last week. It struck me.
It was the end of October when I had my jaw dropping news that the Lyme and Staph numbers suddenly jumped and not traceable in my body (and we now find out the Staph was totally gone). 7 1/2 months.
~And..... from the time I first started having health issues in 2005 until the time my numbers became untraceable is right at 7 1/2 years.
Not one to leave well enough alone, I had to know when the next 7 1/2 months would be, even though I have no desire, and hope I don't have to, wait that long for another milestone. So, what is 7 1/2 months from the end of Oct.? My birthday. : ) Really. June 15th.
#2 I don't know whether any of this has any relevance to anything except to be quite interesting.
#3 But, God...... I don't begin to know at this moment what He has going on. Maybe they are significant numbers that I may or may not ever know. (I know 7 is the number of completion in the Bible, but 7 1/2?) As for this post, it's just to share the funness of how things have played out so far.
For some unknown reason back in the earlier summer, I counted how long it had been .... I don't remember what....from the time I got sick in July 2011 to the time we discovered I had Lyme disease, maybe? Then something made me count another time period. Odd. So I counted another. And, this is how it played out~
~From the time we are pretty certain I got my deer tick friend in 2004 until the time I started having health issues in 2005, was right at 7 1/2 months.
~From the time we are pretty certain I got my deer tick friend in 2004 until the time I started having health issues again in 2011 was just over 7 1/2 years.
~From the time I got really sick and my body shut down in 2011 until the time I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2012 was 7 1/2 months.
Weird. Amazing. Huh.
So, naturally, the next thing my mind did was count.... when would 7 1/2 months be from the time I was diagnosed? End of October. I shared it with James, and we both pondered it, but in the end, I decided I didn't want to try to be putting something there that wasn't, so I put it out of my mind. Until last week. It struck me.
It was the end of October when I had my jaw dropping news that the Lyme and Staph numbers suddenly jumped and not traceable in my body (and we now find out the Staph was totally gone). 7 1/2 months.
~And..... from the time I first started having health issues in 2005 until the time my numbers became untraceable is right at 7 1/2 years.
Not one to leave well enough alone, I had to know when the next 7 1/2 months would be, even though I have no desire, and hope I don't have to, wait that long for another milestone. So, what is 7 1/2 months from the end of Oct.? My birthday. : ) Really. June 15th.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Very Good News
Well, I kept a lot of people in suspense today. Sorry! It wasn't intentional!
My good news..... I am getting better! Now you're thinking, "Well, why didn't she just say that?" Because it was a dramatic afternoon for me. Not in the drama sort of way, but in a mind boggling sort of way. Today's results were totally unexpected....at least today. And, I tell you. God didn't just do something. HE was dramatic.
We don't test my number levels every week. Just on occasion. I won't bother to try to tell you what the numbers mean, but I'll say that the higher the number the better. At 0.... well, maybe you're dead at zero... ha, but that's the worst. At 500+, it means that whatever it is may still be in your body, but it is no longer there in traceable amounts.
I actually don't remember what the Lyme Disease initially tested at in March. In July, it tested at 100. We tested it again about 3 or 4 weeks ago, after 6 months of treatments, and it was at 300. I actually left pretty discouraged, because, although it was better, it wasn't much better compared to my hopes after that long. Today, she tested again, and ..... she can't trace it! It is over 500! It went up at least 200 points in just a month or less.
Not only that......In July the staph infection that I've had since July 2011, tested at 70...pretty low. A few weeks ago, it still only tested at 90. VERY discouraging. Today..... over 500! She can't trace it!
This evening I am rejoicing and so thankful. So looking forward to the continued healing! Earlier today, not so much. I was in complete shock...speechless....when she told me. I told her that I was in as much shock then as I was when she first told me I had Lyme Disease. I went from shock to an entire cobweb of confused emotions that I can't even begin to explain to you. Everything from disbelief (just that it was so sudden) to fear to an awe. They took a while to sort through. I just kept crying and not understanding why I wasn't excited. After talking to Briana and Ashley, I think I have a mental handle on why all the emotions.
Some of it is hard to process because currently the reality of my body does not line up with the reality of the knowledge. There is still damage to treat, I am still very tired, I still can't do much. And, of course, we will still keep treating both diseases to try to get them fully out of my body. That is our hope and belief.... complete healing. I can't just get up and go now, but I have hope that soon I will.
Having said that, I have had several much better days in the last 2 weeks. Tuesday and Wednesday of this week (and maybe Monday), I did not even lie down. That's huge. I was able to do a few more light things around the house... a little extra laundry, playing games with the girls, and I even cooked a very simple dinner one night. (VERY simple!) I have up and down times a lot, but I did notice these up times the past 2 weeks were more .... up. Still, I never dreamed that when I went in there today, she would tell me "untraceable". In fact, she commented and said something along the lines of, "Let's test these numbers again. Maybe they'll just be gone." To which I replied, "That would definitely be a miracle of God, because just a couple of weeks ago they were no where near." Yep. I said it.
And, that's exactly what has happened in the last 2 weeks. I won't go into details, but God has had me on a journey.... well, the entire last 15 months, really, but a deeper, indescribable journey the last 2 weeks. As I sat on my knees 2 weeks ago tomorrow and worshiped, I questioned God about where He was taking me in this new place. As clear as you could ask for, He said to me, "This is what I have prepared you for." That is the day He gave me my miracle. It's still a miracle in progress, but I am certain that "He who began a good work in (me) will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And, I believe He is my healer, Jehovah Rapha, and that He will continue that good work as well. Yes, I have fear that tries to rear it's ugly head, but I am choosing to believe "for I, the Lord, am your healer."
Thank all of you for loving and supporting me. Please continue to pray. The battle is not over, and in fact, in some ways it may be harder to come, but God already has the victory!
My good news..... I am getting better! Now you're thinking, "Well, why didn't she just say that?" Because it was a dramatic afternoon for me. Not in the drama sort of way, but in a mind boggling sort of way. Today's results were totally unexpected....at least today. And, I tell you. God didn't just do something. HE was dramatic.
We don't test my number levels every week. Just on occasion. I won't bother to try to tell you what the numbers mean, but I'll say that the higher the number the better. At 0.... well, maybe you're dead at zero... ha, but that's the worst. At 500+, it means that whatever it is may still be in your body, but it is no longer there in traceable amounts.
I actually don't remember what the Lyme Disease initially tested at in March. In July, it tested at 100. We tested it again about 3 or 4 weeks ago, after 6 months of treatments, and it was at 300. I actually left pretty discouraged, because, although it was better, it wasn't much better compared to my hopes after that long. Today, she tested again, and ..... she can't trace it! It is over 500! It went up at least 200 points in just a month or less.
Not only that......In July the staph infection that I've had since July 2011, tested at 70...pretty low. A few weeks ago, it still only tested at 90. VERY discouraging. Today..... over 500! She can't trace it!
This evening I am rejoicing and so thankful. So looking forward to the continued healing! Earlier today, not so much. I was in complete shock...speechless....when she told me. I told her that I was in as much shock then as I was when she first told me I had Lyme Disease. I went from shock to an entire cobweb of confused emotions that I can't even begin to explain to you. Everything from disbelief (just that it was so sudden) to fear to an awe. They took a while to sort through. I just kept crying and not understanding why I wasn't excited. After talking to Briana and Ashley, I think I have a mental handle on why all the emotions.
Some of it is hard to process because currently the reality of my body does not line up with the reality of the knowledge. There is still damage to treat, I am still very tired, I still can't do much. And, of course, we will still keep treating both diseases to try to get them fully out of my body. That is our hope and belief.... complete healing. I can't just get up and go now, but I have hope that soon I will.
Having said that, I have had several much better days in the last 2 weeks. Tuesday and Wednesday of this week (and maybe Monday), I did not even lie down. That's huge. I was able to do a few more light things around the house... a little extra laundry, playing games with the girls, and I even cooked a very simple dinner one night. (VERY simple!) I have up and down times a lot, but I did notice these up times the past 2 weeks were more .... up. Still, I never dreamed that when I went in there today, she would tell me "untraceable". In fact, she commented and said something along the lines of, "Let's test these numbers again. Maybe they'll just be gone." To which I replied, "That would definitely be a miracle of God, because just a couple of weeks ago they were no where near." Yep. I said it.
And, that's exactly what has happened in the last 2 weeks. I won't go into details, but God has had me on a journey.... well, the entire last 15 months, really, but a deeper, indescribable journey the last 2 weeks. As I sat on my knees 2 weeks ago tomorrow and worshiped, I questioned God about where He was taking me in this new place. As clear as you could ask for, He said to me, "This is what I have prepared you for." That is the day He gave me my miracle. It's still a miracle in progress, but I am certain that "He who began a good work in (me) will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And, I believe He is my healer, Jehovah Rapha, and that He will continue that good work as well. Yes, I have fear that tries to rear it's ugly head, but I am choosing to believe "for I, the Lord, am your healer."
Thank all of you for loving and supporting me. Please continue to pray. The battle is not over, and in fact, in some ways it may be harder to come, but God already has the victory!
Friday, September 14, 2012
An Epiphany~Yes, I Have to Slow Down!~ Lyme Update
I've had a few people ask me lately how I'm doing. I'm okay...I'm good...I'm blessed...I'm really, really tired. The last few days I've been trying to figure out why I've been so much more tired lately. It occurred to me recently that I no longer feel up to playing games with or reading to the girls very often, and that has been discouraging me. Just being more tired, not feeling progress, has been discouraging to me. Call me slow....we'll blame that on the fatigue! ;) ....but, it finally hit me this morning. I've been "going non-stop" this summer. Feeling the need to get out of this house a little, and feeling the need to not miss out on some things, I have pushed, not realizing how much it was affecting me over all. Of course, I knew for that day and a few afterwards I was more tired, but it has just now occurred to me that in general it has worn me down more.
I think I was pretty good between Marissa's birthday party in mid May until the end of June when James and I celebrated our 27th anniversary. That weekend, we went to Gatlinburg, which is very close by, we stayed at the room a lot either sitting on the balcony, or me napping, and when we went out I used a wheelchair, but I was up, dressed, and out 3 days in a row, which was my fault for pushing instead of having him bring dinner to me. You may have seen me say that even taking a shower and getting ready completely drain me. So, that was the end of June, and the next week we had guests for 2 days...once again up and ready, not lying down much and doing more. A week and a half later, I went with the family to the airport to see Ashley off to Kenya, then went to 2 stores and to eat after, a week or 2 later went to the mall to 2 stores and to eat after an appointment, couple of weeks later went to Crossville/Nashville for 5 nights, came straight home and went back to the airport to pick Ashley up at 11:00 pm, had another guest for a couple of days, went to the fair last week, which was a killer, and have had 2 eye doctor appointments in the last 2 weeks. Add in riding an hour each way to Knoxville every week for an hour + appointment. That's a lot. Add to that normal life stresses (and a few not so normal) when I'm supposed to be avoiding stress. Stress wears on the immune system.
I am very thankful that the Lord has helped me get through all of this, and some of it was good, but I list that all off more for my benefit to see why I am more run down even at home. It helps me to see the reason, rather than being concerned I am just getting worse. It also helps me see, that I need to stay home more and rest more, if I can. Whether I will is a little more difficult! But, I have to remember that getting well and being able to be present and enjoy my girls and to have a better future with them is more important than whether I get to get out of the house or run by a store or eat out when I'm already out. Choosing the best over what's good. I have got to learn, at least for the time, what is most important emotionally, and continue to lean on God to get me through the cabin fever. Outside the spiritual aspects, what I long for the most is to do things with my girls...all of them...but, probably the best way for that to happen is to stay put as much as possible, and that means making more hard choices. If I'm honest, that makes me sad. Very sad.
Otherwise, we think I am making slow progress. Many know that I am not going the antibiotic route. After a TON of research, it is clear that antibiotics will not help, mostly since I have had this for so long. If you catch it right away and treat it long enough, then antibiotics might help (or put it in remission, where mine has been most of this time), but not after 7 years. After a time, or if antibiotics are not given correctly, Lyme Disease gets into the red blood cells, and they will not touch it there. The route we have chosen has shown great success with healing Lyme, not just putting it in remission, and my practitioner has treated someone with it, although hers was not as severe. In addition to the Lyme, I still struggle with staph infection in my left shoulder that I have had for over a year. With my immune system weak and them fighting against each other, it can't heal. We continue to hit both of those as hard as we can, and at the same time are "slowly" tackling all the damage done to the rest of my body..... nerve and tissue damage including peripheral neurothapy, several intestinal issues, several eye problems, comprehension/processing problems, etc. We are making some progress, but the damage is great, and it takes time. I have finally comprehended, too, that unless the Lord decides one of these days soon to answer with a sudden healing (which I trust fully He can and may do), this damage will all take time to heal. But, I do trust He WILL heal.
Even though some days are really tough physically and emotionally, the Lord has encouraged and helped me in so many ways. He has given me peace and insight at times I have been very lonely and felt forgotten, He told me He is using this time to show me "great and mighty things which (I) did not know", and He has given me a husband and children to love, encourage, and take good care of me. He is working all of it that was meant for evil...the sickness, the isolation, the aloneness...for good. Do I look forward to the day when I can "run and not grow weary; walk and not be faint?" You betcha! But, I know there is growth and strength to be found in the process. But, I NEED prayers for all of that, and if you ever want to just drop me a note or phone call to let me know you're praying and/or just to chat, it does wonders for the spirit. It's *very* great for me when I ask for prayer that many people pray, and I appreciate that more than you can ever know, but one thing I have learned...for myself and from others...it is awesome to have someone to remember and take the few minutes of time to reach out to you when you've not asked.
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
I think I was pretty good between Marissa's birthday party in mid May until the end of June when James and I celebrated our 27th anniversary. That weekend, we went to Gatlinburg, which is very close by, we stayed at the room a lot either sitting on the balcony, or me napping, and when we went out I used a wheelchair, but I was up, dressed, and out 3 days in a row, which was my fault for pushing instead of having him bring dinner to me. You may have seen me say that even taking a shower and getting ready completely drain me. So, that was the end of June, and the next week we had guests for 2 days...once again up and ready, not lying down much and doing more. A week and a half later, I went with the family to the airport to see Ashley off to Kenya, then went to 2 stores and to eat after, a week or 2 later went to the mall to 2 stores and to eat after an appointment, couple of weeks later went to Crossville/Nashville for 5 nights, came straight home and went back to the airport to pick Ashley up at 11:00 pm, had another guest for a couple of days, went to the fair last week, which was a killer, and have had 2 eye doctor appointments in the last 2 weeks. Add in riding an hour each way to Knoxville every week for an hour + appointment. That's a lot. Add to that normal life stresses (and a few not so normal) when I'm supposed to be avoiding stress. Stress wears on the immune system.
I am very thankful that the Lord has helped me get through all of this, and some of it was good, but I list that all off more for my benefit to see why I am more run down even at home. It helps me to see the reason, rather than being concerned I am just getting worse. It also helps me see, that I need to stay home more and rest more, if I can. Whether I will is a little more difficult! But, I have to remember that getting well and being able to be present and enjoy my girls and to have a better future with them is more important than whether I get to get out of the house or run by a store or eat out when I'm already out. Choosing the best over what's good. I have got to learn, at least for the time, what is most important emotionally, and continue to lean on God to get me through the cabin fever. Outside the spiritual aspects, what I long for the most is to do things with my girls...all of them...but, probably the best way for that to happen is to stay put as much as possible, and that means making more hard choices. If I'm honest, that makes me sad. Very sad.
Otherwise, we think I am making slow progress. Many know that I am not going the antibiotic route. After a TON of research, it is clear that antibiotics will not help, mostly since I have had this for so long. If you catch it right away and treat it long enough, then antibiotics might help (or put it in remission, where mine has been most of this time), but not after 7 years. After a time, or if antibiotics are not given correctly, Lyme Disease gets into the red blood cells, and they will not touch it there. The route we have chosen has shown great success with healing Lyme, not just putting it in remission, and my practitioner has treated someone with it, although hers was not as severe. In addition to the Lyme, I still struggle with staph infection in my left shoulder that I have had for over a year. With my immune system weak and them fighting against each other, it can't heal. We continue to hit both of those as hard as we can, and at the same time are "slowly" tackling all the damage done to the rest of my body..... nerve and tissue damage including peripheral neurothapy, several intestinal issues, several eye problems, comprehension/processing problems, etc. We are making some progress, but the damage is great, and it takes time. I have finally comprehended, too, that unless the Lord decides one of these days soon to answer with a sudden healing (which I trust fully He can and may do), this damage will all take time to heal. But, I do trust He WILL heal.
Even though some days are really tough physically and emotionally, the Lord has encouraged and helped me in so many ways. He has given me peace and insight at times I have been very lonely and felt forgotten, He told me He is using this time to show me "great and mighty things which (I) did not know", and He has given me a husband and children to love, encourage, and take good care of me. He is working all of it that was meant for evil...the sickness, the isolation, the aloneness...for good. Do I look forward to the day when I can "run and not grow weary; walk and not be faint?" You betcha! But, I know there is growth and strength to be found in the process. But, I NEED prayers for all of that, and if you ever want to just drop me a note or phone call to let me know you're praying and/or just to chat, it does wonders for the spirit. It's *very* great for me when I ask for prayer that many people pray, and I appreciate that more than you can ever know, but one thing I have learned...for myself and from others...it is awesome to have someone to remember and take the few minutes of time to reach out to you when you've not asked.
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Follow Up~ Our Rights, Our Freedoms, Our Mission
I am sure I disturbed (alienated?) quite a few people the other day with my post. As I said then, my intention was not to accuse or judge why anyone did what they did, but to speak the Truth that God spoke to me. I am learning to accept that....that speaking the Truth in love is what He has asked me to do, and it's going to offend some people..even Christians, or those who think they are Christians. Any doubt of whether that's what He wants was removed this past month as He opened up my Bible, pointed my finger to a passage, and clearly said in that scripture, "You will speak the Truth in love, and some people are not going to like it. You will sometimes walk alone." Yeah. I've been getting that part!! :) So, He gave me an entire week to accept it and get ready!!
I'll just say really quickly here, thank you to those who sent messages, likes, and comments in agreement. It was very encouraging!
I want to follow up on, and maybe clarify what I said, in the last post. After posting an article of something vile that homosexuals planned to do in "retaliation", it was asked (I assume of me, since it was my exact words), "So do you still want to hug them and tell them God loves them?" Do I WANT to? As in does my FLESH want to? No. Their actions are just as offensive to me as they are to everyone else. They offend God; why shouldn't they offend me? I don't watch tv shows with gay couples, I want to shelter my children from that, I vote for politicians who have pro-Biblical values. I certainly do not want our country over-run with what God calls depravity! Someone posted a video of a man harassing a CFA employee, and my immediate reaction was, "JERK!" So, yes, my flesh gets it.
Here's the key, though. What does it matter what *I* want? God didn't call me to do what *I* want. He called me to deny myself, and to take up my cross and follow Him. He didn't say following Him would be comfortable. In fact, He says it will be downright uncomfortable at times. Just like scripture tells us to put away other desires of the flesh, I have to put away my desires and love the ones that some would say are unloveable. Isn't that what Christ did? Isn't that how we are saved? We are black with sin, but Christ loved us, when we were unloveable, and saved us. .
People keep saying, "But we must fight them."
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Eph 6:12) We can fight evil on this earth through laws and other means, but that's not where the real battle lies. The only way to fight and win this battle is on our knees, on our face, petitioning OUR King, with our mouths and hands praising. The only way we are going to win the real battle is to be the feet and hands of Christ and love those who walk in darkness enough to be uncomfortable. To stop looking at gays (or any other group/person) in disgust and see them the way Christ does. To put away OUR flesh and take up our cross.
The other big phrase is, "But, we must defend our rights!" Really? " But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also." (Matt. 5:39) Your right of free speech? That's a man made right, not a God-given one. Your freedom of religion? Man made. We have been blessed to live in a country where we do have those rights, and we can fight in the courts and law to keep those rights, but the true battle is on our knees. And, the gay people are not our enemy, but the enemy of our souls is our enemy.
If you wonder, yes, our family has been acquainted with those who are gay. Most are just people like you and me. People who are nice and caring and who love. But, people who are lost from the Truth. There are those who are in-your-face, I know. The extremists, who want to flaunt, and want to attack Christians. Just like there are in-your-face Christians (or so called) who want to pound God's Word into the lost and who blow up abortion clinics. See? The ones you see on the news, are not necessarily the norm. They are everyday people, searching in the wrong places to fill that void. The void has been filled with dark sin and the desires of the flesh.
Not everyone will be called to directly show God's love to a gay person. But you can love them enough to put down your disgust and care for their eternity. To pray for their souls. No one is a lost cause until death. We have become so angry at their sin that I wonder if any Christian ever grieves that they are lost to an eternity of damnation.
Supporting CFA and their pro-family values (which actually also covered divorce!) was good intentions turned bad. Had it just stayed as, "Let's support a business that is run by people with Christian values and show them our support", that would have been fine. But, it didn't stay that way for many. It became, "See THAT, world! You aren't going to step on our RIGHTS. Liberals, you should tremble in fear. Watch out in Nov." That's where God's voice left. What started out as one man's focus on God, turned into the mass' focus on US...our rights. And the good intentions of many, were drowned out by the shouts. I don't believe any real good was done. Yes, we showed our numbers, yes we showed we would not be stepped on. But was anyone's heart reached? That's where true victory lies.
I'll just say really quickly here, thank you to those who sent messages, likes, and comments in agreement. It was very encouraging!
I want to follow up on, and maybe clarify what I said, in the last post. After posting an article of something vile that homosexuals planned to do in "retaliation", it was asked (I assume of me, since it was my exact words), "So do you still want to hug them and tell them God loves them?" Do I WANT to? As in does my FLESH want to? No. Their actions are just as offensive to me as they are to everyone else. They offend God; why shouldn't they offend me? I don't watch tv shows with gay couples, I want to shelter my children from that, I vote for politicians who have pro-Biblical values. I certainly do not want our country over-run with what God calls depravity! Someone posted a video of a man harassing a CFA employee, and my immediate reaction was, "JERK!" So, yes, my flesh gets it.
Here's the key, though. What does it matter what *I* want? God didn't call me to do what *I* want. He called me to deny myself, and to take up my cross and follow Him. He didn't say following Him would be comfortable. In fact, He says it will be downright uncomfortable at times. Just like scripture tells us to put away other desires of the flesh, I have to put away my desires and love the ones that some would say are unloveable. Isn't that what Christ did? Isn't that how we are saved? We are black with sin, but Christ loved us, when we were unloveable, and saved us. .
People keep saying, "But we must fight them."
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Eph 6:12) We can fight evil on this earth through laws and other means, but that's not where the real battle lies. The only way to fight and win this battle is on our knees, on our face, petitioning OUR King, with our mouths and hands praising. The only way we are going to win the real battle is to be the feet and hands of Christ and love those who walk in darkness enough to be uncomfortable. To stop looking at gays (or any other group/person) in disgust and see them the way Christ does. To put away OUR flesh and take up our cross.
The other big phrase is, "But, we must defend our rights!" Really? " But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also." (Matt. 5:39) Your right of free speech? That's a man made right, not a God-given one. Your freedom of religion? Man made. We have been blessed to live in a country where we do have those rights, and we can fight in the courts and law to keep those rights, but the true battle is on our knees. And, the gay people are not our enemy, but the enemy of our souls is our enemy.
If you wonder, yes, our family has been acquainted with those who are gay. Most are just people like you and me. People who are nice and caring and who love. But, people who are lost from the Truth. There are those who are in-your-face, I know. The extremists, who want to flaunt, and want to attack Christians. Just like there are in-your-face Christians (or so called) who want to pound God's Word into the lost and who blow up abortion clinics. See? The ones you see on the news, are not necessarily the norm. They are everyday people, searching in the wrong places to fill that void. The void has been filled with dark sin and the desires of the flesh.
Not everyone will be called to directly show God's love to a gay person. But you can love them enough to put down your disgust and care for their eternity. To pray for their souls. No one is a lost cause until death. We have become so angry at their sin that I wonder if any Christian ever grieves that they are lost to an eternity of damnation.
Supporting CFA and their pro-family values (which actually also covered divorce!) was good intentions turned bad. Had it just stayed as, "Let's support a business that is run by people with Christian values and show them our support", that would have been fine. But, it didn't stay that way for many. It became, "See THAT, world! You aren't going to step on our RIGHTS. Liberals, you should tremble in fear. Watch out in Nov." That's where God's voice left. What started out as one man's focus on God, turned into the mass' focus on US...our rights. And the good intentions of many, were drowned out by the shouts. I don't believe any real good was done. Yes, we showed our numbers, yes we showed we would not be stepped on. But was anyone's heart reached? That's where true victory lies.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Why Am I SO Happy Chck-Fi-A Day is Over?
I seriously thought I might scream if I saw one more photo or post about Chick-Fil-A yesterday. At first I wondered if maybe I was just grumpy and tired of seeing every other post being about it. I couldn't figure it out, and it nagged at me all day. Something inside me just would not settle, and I finally realized last night it was the Holy Spirit. The reason it took me so long is that my brain kept asking, "Isn't this what we're supposed to be doing?" Defending Biblical values? My Spirit kept grieving. Why wasn't I on board and wishing I could run to get my chicken?
Let me say right off, I am not saying you were wrong to go to Chick-Fil-A. I am not saying we should not defend Biblical values when they are under attack by the government or press, even. Our family completely supports Biblical values, and we support free speech for all beliefs...not just theirs. I am not pointing my finger directly at you, either. I am simply addressing why my Spirit was grieving yesterday, and the words that God gave me to express.
The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is WRONG. That's not ME judging, that's GOD! Not only that, He has some pretty strong words about it in Romans 1:26-28. He gives them over to a depraved mind. God is not playing around. "Those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them." BUT, GOD! Look at Romans 2:1. He tells us to be VERY careful about judging others. Watch the hypocrisy! When we make a judgement that someone is in sin, and GOD (not our own self righteousness) puts it in our hearts to confront that sin with them, we'd better make very sure that we are doing that in love and in order to bring them to, or restore them to, a right relationship with God. Not to pass judgement. Then look at verse 4! It speaks of God's kindness, tolerance (with people~not sin), and patience, and that His kindness leads to repentance.
He gives them (and quite a few others listed there) to their depravity, but He gives time to come to repentance. How will they come to repentance? By the love and kindness of God. How do they know the love and kindness of God? Yep. Through His children. How will we show them the love and kindness of God if we are pointing our fingers, calling them names, pumping our fists in the air because, by golly, the good guys scored a point yesterday?
Mr. Cathy did nothing wrong in answering a question about his company's beliefs. He answered in a Godly manner. I admire that. The press took off with it and twisted it. But, did God's people respond in such a way that showed the love of God to those who will anguish eternally if they do not turn away from the depravity and to their creator?
I can tell you. Those who are or support homosexuality did not see the love of God yesterday. I saw the comments. They grieved me. I am not naive. I understand that they always say we are haters just because we don't agree with them. But, do they have a point? Do they ever see anything but disgust from the Christian? Do they ever see love from the Christian? While we may not hate them, do we turn our nose up at them? Do we form relationships with them in order to share the Good News (that we never would have had except for the mercy of God)? While we're condemning their actions, have we ever been the light of Jesus, instead of the finger pointer? "Love your neighbor as yourself." The second greatest commandment. Have you ever hugged a homosexual and told them God loves them? Have they ever seen love and worth from Christian eyes? Have you ever prayed...committed and long term...for a homosexual? The 2nd greatest commandment! It's our commission from Christ!
Love does not mean we accept the behavior, it does not mean we don't hold them accountable. But, just like every other sin in this fallen world, it is going to come through relationship. We are not going to post anything on facebook or stand in any line and win the hearts of the lost. We will win their hearts for Christ when they consistently see our love of Christ played out in our lives through loving them. Then we will have their ear.
Our voice was heard yesterday. Was God's?
I do believe we must take a stand against sin in this world. We must not allow it to take hold of our lives and our country. But when we take a stand, we must make sure that that stand is accompanied by the words or actions that tell the lost world of a Savior who died for them. They must know that He loves them and longs for them to turn to Him.
Don't feel you need to defend yourself here. I am well aware of the defense. Go before God. Get into His presence. Talk to Him about it. Ask Him what He wants your response to be. If He says, "Well done", then that's all that matters. I do not judge that. I have only expressed what I believe He has spoken to me and the grieving of my Spirit about our witness to a lost and dying world.
Let me say right off, I am not saying you were wrong to go to Chick-Fil-A. I am not saying we should not defend Biblical values when they are under attack by the government or press, even. Our family completely supports Biblical values, and we support free speech for all beliefs...not just theirs. I am not pointing my finger directly at you, either. I am simply addressing why my Spirit was grieving yesterday, and the words that God gave me to express.
The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is WRONG. That's not ME judging, that's GOD! Not only that, He has some pretty strong words about it in Romans 1:26-28. He gives them over to a depraved mind. God is not playing around. "Those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them." BUT, GOD! Look at Romans 2:1. He tells us to be VERY careful about judging others. Watch the hypocrisy! When we make a judgement that someone is in sin, and GOD (not our own self righteousness) puts it in our hearts to confront that sin with them, we'd better make very sure that we are doing that in love and in order to bring them to, or restore them to, a right relationship with God. Not to pass judgement. Then look at verse 4! It speaks of God's kindness, tolerance (with people~not sin), and patience, and that His kindness leads to repentance.
He gives them (and quite a few others listed there) to their depravity, but He gives time to come to repentance. How will they come to repentance? By the love and kindness of God. How do they know the love and kindness of God? Yep. Through His children. How will we show them the love and kindness of God if we are pointing our fingers, calling them names, pumping our fists in the air because, by golly, the good guys scored a point yesterday?
Mr. Cathy did nothing wrong in answering a question about his company's beliefs. He answered in a Godly manner. I admire that. The press took off with it and twisted it. But, did God's people respond in such a way that showed the love of God to those who will anguish eternally if they do not turn away from the depravity and to their creator?
I can tell you. Those who are or support homosexuality did not see the love of God yesterday. I saw the comments. They grieved me. I am not naive. I understand that they always say we are haters just because we don't agree with them. But, do they have a point? Do they ever see anything but disgust from the Christian? Do they ever see love from the Christian? While we may not hate them, do we turn our nose up at them? Do we form relationships with them in order to share the Good News (that we never would have had except for the mercy of God)? While we're condemning their actions, have we ever been the light of Jesus, instead of the finger pointer? "Love your neighbor as yourself." The second greatest commandment. Have you ever hugged a homosexual and told them God loves them? Have they ever seen love and worth from Christian eyes? Have you ever prayed...committed and long term...for a homosexual? The 2nd greatest commandment! It's our commission from Christ!
Love does not mean we accept the behavior, it does not mean we don't hold them accountable. But, just like every other sin in this fallen world, it is going to come through relationship. We are not going to post anything on facebook or stand in any line and win the hearts of the lost. We will win their hearts for Christ when they consistently see our love of Christ played out in our lives through loving them. Then we will have their ear.
Our voice was heard yesterday. Was God's?
I do believe we must take a stand against sin in this world. We must not allow it to take hold of our lives and our country. But when we take a stand, we must make sure that that stand is accompanied by the words or actions that tell the lost world of a Savior who died for them. They must know that He loves them and longs for them to turn to Him.
Don't feel you need to defend yourself here. I am well aware of the defense. Go before God. Get into His presence. Talk to Him about it. Ask Him what He wants your response to be. If He says, "Well done", then that's all that matters. I do not judge that. I have only expressed what I believe He has spoken to me and the grieving of my Spirit about our witness to a lost and dying world.
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