I'm sure most people reading this are well aware of the situation leading up to this Disney trip that happens this Friday...3 days. (If not, see my last post.) I am very thankful that God has not been silent this week, because I have needed His voice, His reassurance.
It started this past Saturday night when my 11 year old left this on my pillow. It's the first time she's ever left a verse for me.
The next morning, I pulled up the sermon site I've been listening to, and the highlighted sermon, not the most recent, but the one they had large at the top, was on Ephesians 6:10-13. I did a double take and then listened. During the sermon, he mentioned a verse that I wanted to look at more, and when I pulled up Bible Gateway online to look it up, the Verse of the Day was Ephesians 6:12-13. Okay, Lord, you have my attention! But, yeah...just because He warns me doesn't mean I always get it.
Monday was a hard day. I felt horrible all day long. Over and over in my mind and through my tears, I kept thinking, "I can't do this. There is no way I can make it through Disney. I have to lie down several times a day. I can't do this." I went to bed hoping today would be better. It was worse. I was on the couch most of the day, and couldn't be up, even sitting, more than 10 or 15 min. at a time. Again, "I can't do this." Somewhere in the last 2 days I thought, "Lord, I know you said to just trust you. I'm trying, but I just get worse. How am I ever going to make it?" Yes, this would have been a great time to remember Sunday and Ephesians 6, but, no, I didn't. I was so sick with exhaustion early this evening, so discouraged about this trip. I did finally have the presence of mind to think, "I need my Bible." I do "get it" sometimes!! :)
Yesterday I had begun to study Genesis 1. I'm ashamed to say that it has been a very long time since I've done that. I tend to think, "I know. He created the world and the animals...." (DENSE!....How incredible that He doesn't give up on me!!) So, tonight I opened back up to Gen 1. I had only studied the first 1/2 yesterday because I was studying deeper. In my discouragement this evening, I'm reading about God creating the birds of the air and the creatures of the deep, and out of nowhere comes this clear voice, "If I can do all of this, don't you think I can get you through Disney World?" I know some of you will think that is nuts, but I have experienced Him speaking enough times to know, it's not nuts, as nuts as it seems. "Yes, Lord. You are the master creator of the universe and all that is in it. You can get me through Disney World." If that wasn't enough, I next turned to Isaiah, and underlined in the middle of the page was, "Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." As I sat there reading and thanking Him for speaking to me so clearly, encouraging me, showing me again that He's walking me through this and will be with me in ways that I honestly can't even fathom at the moment, the fatigue lifted. The complete and utter exhaustion that I have had since I woke up this morning, no matter how much I rested, was gone. Like a huge burden lifted. That's not to say all my fatigue is gone. I don't know what He has planned, but the debilitating fatigue I have had most of 2 days lifted.
I cannot honestly begin to tell you why God is encouraging me to go to Disney World! James believes this trip is important in my recovery, and I haven't really been able to image why. But as I was in the shower tonight, thinking over all of this, this is what I felt in my spirit. God said to trust Him. No matter what the situation looks like ("Do not look anxiously about you"), no matter how hard it feels and looks, He wants me to trust Him. If I don't trust Him, if I quit, if I don't go because it looks too hard, Satan has won this part of the battle. I must "stand firm against all the strategies and tricks of the devil." God has warned me that Satan is going to spend this week trying to dissuade me, and he got awfully close, but God's Word and faithfulness allow me to stand firm. I can't do it without Him. I wouldn't want to! When I go despite the look of the circumstances, I stand firm and say, "Yes, Lord. I trust you!"
I have no idea why God wants to use a trip to Disney World against all odds to work in my life, but apparently He does, and I'm going to trust and anticipate what He's going to do with it.
Somehow everything but the last minute stuff is packed. James has my "swanky" wheelchair rented and set to be delivered to the campground Sunday evening. :) It's not really swanky, but much better and more comfy than the ones that Disney rents out. He also bought me a nice memory foam cushion for it. The back seat of the Suburban is staying open so that I can lie down and rest while we travel if I need to, and we are getting there an evening early so I can rest most of Sunday. My biggest first challenge will come first thing on our first day. I normally have to sleep until I wake up, without an alarm. We have a Cinderella breakfast the very first day, so I will be setting an alarm for 6:30...not when my body normally wakes up on it's own! : ) But, God is faithful and He promised, and He continues to amaze me at His love for me. He will be my strength. I am so thankful He speaks and is not silent. He promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him. Seek Him! He is so worth finding!
Last spring, not long after I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, and long before we realized what a long road it would be, we made reservations for Feb. 2013 for Disney World, thinking that was plenty of time for me to be better. ha. Obviously, that was before we had done very much research on how devastating Lyme Disease is. But, as time has passed, we refused to cancel those reservations, trusting, hoping that God would heal me enough to be able to go.
So, here we are, and it's Jan. ....
Before you scoff and roll your eyes about it being so important to me to go to Disney World....it's not about DW.
At this moment, 26 days before we are supposed to leave, I cannot even fathom making one day of the 2 day car trip to get there. I can't even fathom taking a shower without having to rest. Much less spending 5 days in Disney parks. So, why do I keep hoping? Why did we pay our campground and tickets in full on Dec. 20th?
Because I need to hope. That hope has stayed alive in me for all these months. Because in mid Dec. when I got an email from the travel agent saying that our balance was due on Dec. 20th (I thought it was mid Jan!), we were trusting God to bring in enough finances to get us through Christmas. Two days later, he brought us much more than that, and a peace to pay our trip balance. Because giving up right now feels like not trusting God. Because my kids need to hope.
I like DW just fine, and I have fun doing it with my girls (all 4! :) ) , but we certainly didn't plan this trip for James and me. I'm sure it won't take much stretch to guess that my dream Feb. destination would be to ..... oh, say...the Caribbean! We planned this trip because I have a teen who gets plain 'ole giggly thinking about going to Disney (she's currently about to "bust a gut" counting down the days!) Because she's growing up way too fast, and though, I know next year she'll still love Disney, we really wanted to do this this year. Because I have 2 children who have spent the last year and much of the 6 months before that hearing me say, "I'm sorry I can't go", "I'm sorry I can't come watch you this year", "I'm sorry we can't take a trip" (traveling is in our blood!...no matter what country it was born in!). It has been a year of sacrifice for them, too. They have been so sweet, so gracious, so loving, so patient, so giving. I'm asking God to please not make me have to say, "I'm sorry. We can't go." They know it's a possibility, and I know they'll be okay if it comes to that. I know there will be growth in it and there will be other times. I know the Lord has it covered no matter what. But, this is my heart's desire, and I grieve when I think of it not happening. It wouldn't matter where the trip was planned. I want to give them this gift.
I'm sure it's easy to guess that it's important to me personally, emotionally, as well. I'm READY to be well. I've mentioned a few times how hard this last month has been. Though it hasn't been as tough emotionally this past week, I'm ready ~A year of barely leaving the house, going out on their birthdays or shopping a handful of times and paying for it the next day or two, missing the girls' activities, staying home while James takes them to the zoo, corn maze, etc. God has been so gracious to me. He's given me peace, hope, and contentment throughout this past year that was way beyond my comprehension. But, I'm ready. Making (and surviving!) this trip is important to me. Again, if I can't make it, God is still good. He will use it, He will strengthen me, He will still be my hope. But, I'm asking God to please let me do this. Please give me another miracle.
Practically speaking....we know I am healing, we know that even though I don't feel any better, my body is changing, and that it is actually normal to feel worse as it changes and healing starts to happen. My diet is pretty strict and appropriate, which is important in healing, my supplements are what my body needs, and I'm getting extra treatments from the Ondamed. The other 2 biggies are avoiding stress...trying, and taking some more steps to avoid stressful people and situations for the time being.... and resting~ lying down, preferably sleeping for at least an hour a day. I usually have to lie down a few times a day, but working on making one of them at least an hour and napping, not just resting. As for the trip, we are taking our time traveling, getting there early enough that I can spend the afternoon before resting, taking a day off between each day in the park for me to rest, and doing the whole thing in a wheelchair. (Even though, sitting is much, much better than standing/walking, for right now, sitting still fatigues me, and I need to lie down periodically.)
God has whispered to me several times the last couple of weeks, "I will fight for you. You need only to be still." So, I'm spending even more time this month being still before Him, resting, listening, waiting. And, hoping.
I know in the grand scheme of life, this trip to Disney isn't important, but right now, in our life, it is. If you feel led, please whisper a prayer...or 10!...that God would show His undeserved favor, and allow my body to be well enough to make and enjoy this trip....and "like" or leave a comment to let me know you are, or even that you don't think this is really stupid. :)
Yesterday David (who does my Lyme treatments, plus some) tested again for the Lyme, and he could not find it! Lyme Disease hides in the red blood cells and goes into remission with antibiotic treatments unless it is caught very early and treated very aggressively. It lives in the blood cells, and most people have problems...sometimes crippling/life threatening.... with it their entire lives. The testing/treatment that we have used picks up and treats the disease even into the red blood cells. That means that he can't find it in my body anymore...at all...anywhere. There is a slight chance it could be hiding out and not picked up because yesterday it picked up the Epstein Barr virus in me : P , but he doesn't think so. He doesn't think it would hide behind that, unless the EB was very strong, perhaps. What he said to me is, "I believe in a God who heals."
This is enough to make someone scream with delight. Do a happy dance. Hug and kiss strangers! But, what did I do? Just sat there, staring into space, fighting tears. But, not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I'm strange.
I got in the car and cried. I did the same thing back in Oct, when my numbers for the staph and Lyme got dramatically, unexpectedly better in just 2-3 weeks time. I think it just stuns me, too.
I hope in God, in Him sustaining me, but I hope in His healing, too. And, then I turn around and am afraid to hope. God has been my strength this past year and a half (and the 6 1/2 years before that when I just always felt fatigued from doing much), and He still is, but a weariness has tried to settle in the last 2 weeks. I believe that God is bringing all of this to an end and we're on that path. My fickle emotions (and the enemy of my soul) have to be fought, though.
I think I have this fear that this result is wrong. That it isn't really gone. That next week, he'll say, "Oh, no. Sorry. It's still there." This is fear even though I believe fully that God has said He will heal me, and even though I KNOW he led me to this treatment, and even though I believe in this treatment and have seen God use it to cure many other things in amazing ways. Afraid to hope. But, shouldn't my hope be in the Lord? In what He said? In who He is? (rhetorical question) He doesn't lie, and He said He would heal me. And, you know what? Even if David did say that next week, God still has me and is still working. I would just still need my eyes focused on Him and not the healing. But, my human emotions have a whole lot invested in being well, in being a hands on mom again, in getting out of this house and living an abundant life. And, I think that's a God given hope and desire.
I realized another reason for my reaction yesterday is that I just still feel horrible. Worse again lately. Lyme being gone is a very awesome thing, but it left behind all of it's damage that I want gone....yesterday! Yet, I know that with it gone, it can't do any further damage, and we are making steady progress on the damage it's done. Back to that human/flesh struggle is the fear that I will be left with some of that damage. Damage that makes life very difficult. Again, a whole lot of emotions tied up in the hope. But, God didn't say that He was going to get rid of Lyme. He said He was going to heal me. So, again, that's where my hope needs to stay. Not in the emotions, not in the current situation. In Him and His Word.
This has been a tough couple of weeks for me emotionally. Harder than it's been the last entire year and a half. I don't know why, except an enemy who wants to discourage me, and maybe that whole "darkest before the dawn" thing. But, it's like the closer I get to being healed, the more fear tries to control me. Thankfully, I have a Savior who has been walking me through it, showing His faithfulness, and showing me where some of those fears are coming from, helping me trust and lean on Him, and not give into those fears. Some days it has been just putting one trusting foot in front of the other, and it hasn't always been pretty, but we're making it and growing in it.
Ashley posted a quote yesterday that fits so well for me right now~
"Oh, what an ache wanting can bring, when I
know that the wanting is good, right, even God-granted, but realize that
for now it is God-denied, and that He has not let me know all the
wisdom of the denial. But I believe, and it is this that lets the living
go on...it seems to say, 'Take it easy; we are not through the story
yet...'"
(Jim Elliot)
I pray this chapter of the story is coming to a close, and I am praying steadfastly that God will help me be ready for it, and know the steps to take when the next chapter begins to unfold (...another irrational fear!) A vacation...or 2... is first on my list! : )
For today...I feel more like doing that happy dance. And, I will trust that God is working and fighting on my behalf, and that next week David will say, "Nope. I still can't find it."
I just got up from a nap feeling really rotten, so exhausted that I feel like I could just wilt onto the floor, just sitting here. So exhausted, I almost feel nauseous. So exhausted that I have been having trouble making complete thoughts on anything of any depth.
I sat on the couch next to Marissa thinking, "I have no earthy desire to decorate for Christmas." I really don't, especially knowing I'll mostly just be able to watch. I can reach into the recesses of logic, and know that probably in a day or 2, I will begin to get some energy back, and perhaps the desire will change. That it probably stems from the exhaustion.
But, as I sat processing the lack of desire and digging for that logic, I realized I am very discouraged this afternoon. And, I know that will pass, too. But, right now, it's a struggle. Many people will say they know how I feel, but only a few really do. To know that all I did to get to this totally sick, exhausted place was to: take a shower 3 days in a row (no, I can't do that, and normally don't, so don't drop by without a day's notice), go outside and enjoy watching my family play, and helped with a very few things in the kitchen for Thanksgiving preparations. This is day 2 of nothing but rest, and it's no better.
This is not a daily struggle by any means. Just sometimes when the biggness of this disease hits me. When the knowledge that so little causes this. That's when the walls start closing in, and the enemy tries to convince me that life will always be this way. And, if you want to know realistically, for some people with Lyme disease, it IS always this way. The enemy tries to convince me that I am no different, there is no hope in having a life outside these walls again, that I am alone, that God and everyone else has forgotten me.
On the good days, I have not accepted that this is all there is, and we believe the Lord has led us to this path and to His healing. We know I have made some progress, and believe He has made promises. But, some days I have to say, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." This afternoon is one of those times. One of those struggles. One of those days that I just need a good cry. And, He will help my unbelief. He will strengthen me again. This disease is evil and God did not give it to me, but He is using it for good. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I am even thankful for it, because what He has done for me in the spiritual has been worth the cost. And, yet, some moments are weary. I will be very happy to move on and out of this season. I will thank Him for it, and thank Him for it being over.
#1 I am absolutely in no way superstitious or consider this superstitious.
#2 I don't know whether any of this has any relevance to anything except to be quite interesting.
#3 But, God...... I don't begin to know at this moment what He has going on. Maybe they are significant numbers that I may or may not ever know. (I know 7 is the number of completion in the Bible, but 7 1/2?) As for this post, it's just to share the funness of how things have played out so far.
For some unknown reason back in the earlier summer, I counted how long it had been .... I don't remember what....from the time I got sick in July 2011 to the time we discovered I had Lyme disease, maybe? Then something made me count another time period. Odd. So I counted another. And, this is how it played out~
~From the time we are pretty certain I got my deer tick friend in 2004 until the time I started having health issues in 2005, was right at 7 1/2 months.
~From the time we are pretty certain I got my deer tick friend in 2004 until the time I started having health issues again in 2011 was just over 7 1/2 years.
~From the time I got really sick and my body shut down in 2011 until the time I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2012 was 7 1/2 months.
Weird. Amazing. Huh.
So, naturally, the next thing my mind did was count.... when would 7 1/2 months be from the time I was diagnosed? End of October. I shared it with James, and we both pondered it, but in the end, I decided I didn't want to try to be putting something there that wasn't, so I put it out of my mind. Until last week. It struck me.
It was the end of October when I had my jaw dropping news that the Lyme and Staph numbers suddenly jumped and not traceable in my body (and we now find out the Staph was totally gone). 7 1/2 months.
~And..... from the time I first started having health issues in 2005 until the time my numbers became untraceable is right at 7 1/2 years.
Not one to leave well enough alone, I had to know when the next 7 1/2 months would be, even though I have no desire, and hope I don't have to, wait that long for another milestone. So, what is 7 1/2 months from the end of Oct.? My birthday. : ) Really. June 15th.
